GWD: Hullabaloo

Gnomes. Although it's interesting to imagine Scots saying "balloo" to hush children.

hul·la·ba·loo
Pronunciation: \ˈhə-lə-bə-ˌlü\

Function: noun

Inflected Form(s): plural hul·la·ba·loos

Etymology: perhaps from hallo + Scots balloo, interjection used to hush children

Date: 1762

: din; also : uproar

GWD: Claptrap

Again, the gnomes aced the hyphen to try to "humanize" this word, but I know gnomespeak when I hear it and see it.

clap·trap

Pronunciation: \ˈklap-ˌtrap\

Function: noun

Etymology: ²clap; from its attempt to win applause

Date: 1799

: pretentious nonsense : trash

29: The Art of Noise

The Art of Noise were, are, and always will be a gnomish band. Music by gnomes, for gnomes. I still can't watch this video without flashing back to my teenaged self, being annoyed at it...

28: Knock-Knock Joke

A weaponized pun, requiring its own section, is the Knock-Knock Joke, the gnomish comedic staple of kids everywhere, before they develop more nuanced senses of humor. Any adult doing a knock-knock joke should be lobbed from the roof of the nearest tall building, or at least marked as a gnomish agent.

27: Puns

Gnomes are all about puns, particularly bad puns. Really, really bad puns. What is gnomish about them? Everything. Their pointlessness, their silliness, and their annoyingness. Puns can get almost anybody to groan in irritation. Only gnomes (and their aspirants) take great satisfaction in puns, since they exploit ambiguities in language for (to gnomes) comedic effect.

GWD: Gewgaw

This is one that likely had a hyphen, but gnomes axed it. Origin unknown? Gnomes, dammit. It's just so obvious (and the meaning of it is very gnomish, too).

gew·gaw

Pronunciation: \ˈg(y)ü-(ˌ)gȯ\

Variant(s): also gee·gaw \ˈjē-, ˈgē-\

Function: noun

Etymology: origin unknown

Date: circa 1529

: a showy trifle : bauble, trinket

26: Benny Hill

Benny Hill was a damned gnome. He even looked like one. Just pop a beard on him and a pointy hat, and there you have it. I'm not going to do an in-depth analysis of the wit and wisdom of Benny Hill. He was a gnome. I mean, the theme music ("Yakety Sax" -- a gnome-name for a gnome theme if ever there was one) alone for his damned show might as well be the National Anthem of the Gnome Nation...



I seriously can't hear that theme song without wanting to smash something. And imagining a bunch of gnomes cavorting to it makes me want to smash even more things.

Sign of the Times?

A gentle reader just sent me this late-breaking link...

Gnome Sign Removed Ahead of Dmitry Medvedev's Visit

The question is, is this man, in fact, a fellow traveler of gnomedom? Did the Great Gnomish Conspiracy lead to this sign's removal, in an effort to obscure his gnomishness? Or was it simply riffing on his height? One can only wonder, but we'll see how and if this story develops.

Theatre posters proclaiming 'We await you, merry gnome' were taken down from a Russian town shortly before a visit by the country's diminutive president, according to a local website.

Now, I should point out that, at 5'4", Medvedev is far taller than even the tallest of gnomes. So, clearly, the Russians are having a bit of sport at his expense. Still, you can see that whoever posted the sign is at least aware of how annoying gnomes are, with the tartly-rendered "merry gnome" comment.

25: Moustache Wax

Now, gnomes are known for their jaunty beards, so you might wonder why moustache wax might be classified among gnomish products, yes?

But, gentle reader, if you've been paying attention at all to this blog and its vital message, you must immediately divine the insidious and invidious nature of moustache wax as yet another example of a gnomish sentiment inflicted on humanity to make us look ridiculous. I'm not sure who first got the idea, whether it was a gnome playing a prank on a Victorian man on a slow day, or whether some Victorian saw a gnome with a dolled-up moustache and, in a fit of whimsy, slapped beeswax to his face and became the sartorial toast of London for a fortnight.

Not sure who to blame, precisely, except the obvious target: gnomes. If anybody is going to wax their moustaches, it's the damned gnomes.

I bring this up especially since hipsters out there have taken to wearing beards for a number of years, now, and so it's only a matter of time (and I'm sure they're doing it as I type this, and the hippest of them have "been doing it for years") before the moustache wax meme returns in spades.

I won't give any of those twits any press by showing their moustachioed creations, so I'll simply use the venerable Rollie Fingers as an exemplar of this gnomish product and facial hair trend, and because Rollie Fingers was doing this long before any of the hipsters today did it, looked far cooler doing it, and that likely will bother them.

GWD: Higgledy-Piggledy

You may have noticed that I sometimes do more than one Gnomish Word of the Day (GWD). That's right. It's deliberate. Because it's gnomish to be capricious that way. Some days there may be only one GWD. Some days there may be four. You can never really know. And that's exactly what makes gnomes so fucking creepy, them being all higgledy-piggledy!

hig·gle·dy–pig·gle·dy

Pronunciation: \ˌhi-gəl-dē-ˈpi-gəl-dē\

Function: adverb

Etymology: origin unknown

Date: 1598

: in a confused, disordered, or random manner

— higgledy–piggledy adjective

Origin unknown, yet hearkening to the 16th century? Gnomes. You can almost see their curly-toed shoe tracks on this one.

24: Miniature Golf

Miniature golf is completely gnomish. Not that golf even really needed to be more ridiculous an activity than it already is, leave it to gnomes to come up with a way of making it so. It's hard to divine gnomish thinking on this, whether it was conceived as a deliberate insult to the Scottish people, or what, exactly, they had in mind with it. But miniature golf (and any golf gnomes would play must, by their very stature, be miniature golf, no?) is completely gnomish. It's perhaps marginally less baneful than other gnomish recreations, but the spirit of pointless innovation and kitschy whimsy (to say nothing of the waste of time it represents) that infects it is, as ever, a warning of gnomish machinations on mankind.

Note, it's curious to read one of the founding legends of miniature golf:

The story goes that while on opium a group of men were playing a round of golf. They noticed that the extra objects (hallucinations) were getting in their way while trying to get to the green. After thinking on this for a while they came to the conclusion that this could be the base idea for a new version of golf. The name "crazy golf" is also supposed to come from this story. After the invention of crazy golf it became generally acceptable for women to play the game as it was not as masculine in nature as the original.

Note the use of opium and the original name of "crazy golf" in the mix -- gnomish fingerprints on this activity! So, go ahead, play some virtual miniature golf. Time well spent! Make some gnomes happy, why don't you?

GWD: Topsy-Turvy

You know I'm not done with gnomish hyphenated nonsense compounds yet, yes? It seems that there was a lot of gnomish influence on human language in the 16th century...

top·sy–tur·vy
Pronunciation: \ˌtäp-sē-ˈtər-vē\

Function: adverb

Etymology: probably ultimately from tops (plural of ¹top) + obsolete English terve to turn upside down

Date: 1528

1 : in utter confusion or disorder
2 : with the top or head downward : upside down

Plenty more where that came from.

And, once again, you can see that gnomes are fond of causing confusion and delay.

Update: Curling

Danish Curler Reduced To Tears By Raucous Crowd.

Tears? Tears?! Deal with it, you gnomish fellow traveler!

Such boorish fan behavior is normally considered unacceptable in the genteel world of curling.

Is curling genteel? Truly? Because, well, it's not. Nothing gnomish can possibly be considered "genteel," so sorry. Nice try.

23: El Camino

Yes, dear reader, the El Camino represents a high (or is it low?) point in gnomish automotive engineering. The more sensitive of you might protest: "How can a semi-infamous, semi-legendary muscle car, of all things, be gnomish? Do gnomes even drive muscle cars?" And my answer is simply this: if they did drive cars, gnomes would drive El Caminos.

The El Camino, by its very nature, embodies gnomish nonsensical design aesthetics -- is it a truck? Is it a car? Is it both? Is it neither? Is it all of these things, and, yet, is also less than those things, too? Why, yes.

It is an El Camino. The neither here-nor-there aspect of the El Camino is the "tell" that reveals the gnomish design sensibilities embedded in it. The El Camino is the gnome masquerading as a badass, which shows why the car design was such an odd and contradictory fit.

While not the only gnomish vehicle out there (again, the unicycle comes directly to mind), few cars have ever skated close to the aesthetic abyss that is gnomish design sensibilities like the El Camino. There are other gnomish automobiles out there, but I had to start with the Elvis Presley of gnomish wheels. "El Camino" literally means "The Path" or "The Way." And it surely guarantees that on the road to gnomish living, you will get there fastest driving one of these babies.

22: Slide Whistle

The slide whistle, and its bigger (arguably classier) sibling, the trombone, are gnomish instruments. I wanted to go with the basic form of the instrument, the most gnomish, so I defaulted to the slide whistle. It's impossible to even think of a slide whistle without that annoying, lilting sound of it coming to mind. Just in case you need some kind of ghastly, tooth-gnashingly grating reminder of it, here's a gnomish woman playing it (be sure to see her drop into a gnomish falsetto at the end of this piece, no doubt compelled by the playing of the slide whistle)...

GWD: Flibbertigibbet

This one, again, is self-explanatory, although it's nice to know that there's an adjectival version of it! How flibbertigibbety! Still, it's important to get these words (and the sentiments behind them) out and about. Note that the old age of this word points to the more directly gnomish nature of this word...

flib·ber·ti·gib·bet

Pronunciation: \ˌfli-bər-tē-ˈji-bət\

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English flepergebet

Date: 15th century

: a silly flighty person

— flib·ber·ti·gib·bety \-bə-tē\ adjective

21: Accordion

Oh, yes. You knew it had to make an appearance. The accordion's one-man band capacity alone makes it prime fodder as an instrument of gnomish torture -- errr, musical expression. And the presence of a bellows, buttons, keys, and valves is simply intoxicating to the average gnome. It's very easy to imagine a group of gnomes jamming on their accordions, and tricking humanity into taking up the instrument and, naturally, looking (and sounding) ridiculous. Even pro-accordion propaganda can't dent the stupidity of it...

"Tom" is only able to impress the ladies because the electric guitar hasn't been invented, yet. Nothing like the fun of an accordion, Tom? How about sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll? Your days are numbered, gnomish sycophant!

GWD: Knickknack

And, while we're on the subject of unhyphenated nonsense compounds, here's another gnomish knickknack for you...

knick·knack
Variant(s): also nick·nack \ˈnik-ˌnak\

Function: noun

Etymology: reduplication of knack

Date: 1682

: a small trivial article usually intended for ornament

In this case, the gnomes probably got rid of the hyphen JUST to be annoying, since those two k's butting up against each other practically cry out for hyphenation, don't they? Or maybe it would just be too stilted for the folksy frolics of gnomish knick-knackery.

GWD: Hodgepodge

In "hodgepodge," the gnomes got a little trickier, perhaps, realizing that if they hyphenated all of their nonsensically-redundant words, we'd be onto them. So, they went with a closed compound, here, but the gnomishness (and gnomish sentiments) remain intact...

hodge·podge
Pronunciation: \ˈhäj-ˌpäj\
Function: noun
Etymology: alteration of hotchpotch
Date: 15th century

: a heterogeneous mixture : jumble

20: Kitsch

I had to eventually get around to it: kitsch. Kitsch is bread-and-butter to gnomes. If the gnomes had their wicked way with the world, we'd be awash in kitsch. And click on that link on Wikipedia, and 'lo and behold, what do you see as their photographic example of kitsch? A goddamned garden gnome (right). Accident? No, I don't think so.

Kitsch is gnomish culture in a nutshell. While we officially have the Germans to blame for kitsch, the gnomes are, themselves master artisans of kitsch, which is nicely defined in the Wikipedia entry...

Kitsch (English pronunciation: /ˈkɪtʃ/, as in German) is a German word denoting art that is considered an inferior, tasteless copy of an extant style of art or a worthless imitation of art of recognized value. The concept is associated with the deliberate use of elements that may be thought of as cultural icons [1] while making cheap mass-produced objects that are unoriginal. Kitsch also refers to the types of art that are aesthetically deficient (whether or not being sentimental, glamorous, theatrical, or creative) and that make creative gestures which merely imitate the superficial appearances of art through repeated conventions and formulae. Excessive sentimentality often is associated with the term.

The term is considered derogatory, denoting works executed to pander to popular demand alone and purely for commercial purposes rather than works created as self-expression by an artist.[2] The term is generally reserved for unsubstantial and gaudy works that are calculated to have popular appeal and are considered pretentious and shallow rather than genuine artistic efforts.

You see the operative words: worthless, excessive sentimentality, tasteless -- these are words that get gnomes a'giggling from their mushroom perches. Hassle Bandicoot yucking it up with his gnomish buddies, blowing smoke rings and having a jolly laugh at mankind's expense as they foist kitsch on an unsuspecting world.

Curiously, the etymology of "kitsch" might tip the pointy hat of the gnomes...

Another highly possibly theory is that it comes from the Hungarian word kicsi Hungarian pronunciation: [ˈkɪtʃɪ]/kis [kɪʃ] meaning little or small. Most likely through Austrian German.

Little or small? Like, hmmm, a GNOME?

Kitsch is the enemy of art, and is the enemy of the artist. Kitsch must be avoided at all costs. And lest you think it's just a matter of taste...

Relationship to totalitarianism

Other theorists over time also have linked kitsch to totalitarianism and its propaganda. The Czech writer Milan Kundera, in his book The Unbearable Lightness of Being (1984), defined it as "the absolute denial of shit". He wrote that kitsch functions by excluding from view everything that humans find difficult with which to come to terms, offering instead a sanitized view of the world, in which "all answers are given in advance and preclude any questions".

In its desire to paper over the complexities and contradictions of real life, kitsch, Kundera suggested, is intimately linked with totalitarianism. In a healthy democracy, diverse interest groups compete and negotiate with one another to produce a generally acceptable consensus; by contrast, "everything that infringes on kitsch," including individualism, doubt, and irony, "must be banished for life" in order for kitsch to survive. Therefore, Kundera wrote, "Whenever a single political movement corners power we find ourselves in the realm of totalitarian kitsch."

For Kundera, "Kitsch causes two tears to flow in quick succession. The first tear says: How nice to see children running on the grass! The second tear says: How nice to be moved, together with all mankind, by children running on the grass! It is the second tear that makes kitsch kitsch."

So, you see, it's not just a matter of taste -- it's a matter of life, philosophy, art, freedom, and humanity itself! Down with kitsch! And, once again, if you know somebody who digs kitsch, they're a fellow traveler of gnomedom. Watch out!

Words

I could have stretched out these latest words over several days, but felt it important to sling a bunch of them to you, gentle reader, in a bundle, so you could better see the pattern of gnomish hyphenated nonsense words. Thankfully, most everyday people don't salt their language with gnomespeak too much, or we'd all be driving each other mad in short order, which is probably an outcome that would be amusing to the gnomes lurking in the margins of this world, so long as it's a merry madness.

GWD: Hunky-Dory

No, not the Bowie album, but yet another of the gnomish hyphenated nonsense words. You can ask your gnomish friend, Hassle Q. Bandicoot, you can say "Hassle, how are you feeling today?" and Hassle can't say "I'm fine." No, no. Hassle says "Why, I'm hunky-dory!" (and the proceeds to juggle and unicycle his merry way down the street). Notice below: Origin Unknown. No longer. Another gnomish hyphenated nonsense compound...

hun·ky–do·ry
Pronunciation: \ˌhəŋ-kē-ˈdȯr-ē\
Function: adjective
Etymology: obsolete English dial. hunk home base + -dory (of unknown origin)
Date: 1866

: quite satisfactory : fine

GWD: Helter-Skelter

The infamous helter-skelter is entirely gnomish (and, you can see the gnomish values of haphazard, costly haste, confusion, and disorder well-represented here). And that twinkle-eyed gnome, Charlie Manson (below), took helter-skelter and ran with it, now didn't he?

hel·ter–skel·ter
Pronunciation: \ˌhel-tər-ˈskel-tər\

Function: adverb

Etymology: perhaps from Middle English skelten to come, go

Date: 1593

1 : in undue haste, confusion, or disorder
2 : in a haphazard manner

Bombadil? Rumplestiltskin? No, Charles Manson. Looking about ready to decorate somebody's garden. WITH BLOOD!

GWD: Hurly-Burly

Gnomes never run out of these words, do they?

hur·ly–bur·ly
Pronunciation: \ˌhər-lē-ˈbər-lē\

Function: noun

Etymology: probably alteration & reduplication of hurling, gerund of hurl

Date: 1539

: uproar, tumult

— hurly–burly adjective

GWD: Flim-Flam

Note the uncertain-yet-Scandinavian origins of this word, and the meaning of it. "Deceptive nonsense?" -- from Old Norse "flim" meaning "mockery?" Gnomes. Gnomes, I tellya!

flim-flam
Pronunciation: \ˈflim-ˌflam\

Function: noun

Etymology: perhaps of Scandinavian origin; akin to Old Norse flim mockery

Date: circa 1570

1 : deceptive nonsense
2 : deception, fraud

GWD: Razzmatazz

No doubt gnomes sought to get with the times with razzmatazz, showing that even they could be hip, swingin', and with it, while maintaining their whimsical lameness...

razz·ma·tazz
Pronunciation: \ˌraz-mə-ˈtaz\

Function: noun

Etymology: probably alteration of razzle-dazzle

Date: 1942

1 : razzle-dazzle 3
2 : double-talk 2
3 : vim, zing

GWD: Pell-Mell

Moving through gnomish hyphenated nonsense compounds, the venerable pell-mell makes a showing. Note the continuing gnomish memes of confusion and disorder...

pell–mell
Pronunciation: \ˌpel-ˈmel\

Function: adverb

Etymology: Middle French pelemele

Date: 1590

1 : in mingled confusion or disorder
2 : in confused haste

— pell–mell adjective or noun

Often makes me think of Pell Grants. You definitely don't want to fill out your Pell Grant applications pell-mell, gentle reader.

19: Hurdy-Gurdy

The hurdy-gurdy manages a doubleshot of gnomishness -- ridiculous in name and in conception, gleefully eccentric, pointlessly innovative and affectedly whimsical. It is, without a doubt, a gnomish musical instrument foisted on innocent humanity, long ago, and now the province of loons and hipsters.

The coolest thing about the hurdy-gurdy is Donovan's psychedelic tune, "Hurdy Gurdy Man," but beyond that, this contraption has little proper place with humanity, and has everything to do with gnomes, and their invidious agenda.

For example, look at this poor waif of a girl (left) when she first receives her hurdy-gurdy. Just a whey-faced lass with grand drems of making it in a difficult and dangerous world, grateful for this gnomish gift given to her by the twinkly-eyed tinker who came to town. "Why, sure, Donatella! You can make a fortune with this yonder hurdy-gurdy! You can grind away happy little tunes that villagers will dance to, tossing stray coppers at your feet like they were junebugs flitting from fields of barley on a summer's day!"

I'll add the word to the list of gnomish vocabulary words, for surely the hurdy-gurdy eminently qualifies for inclusion, both as a word and as a musical instrument...

hur·dy–gur·dy

Pronunciation: \ˌhər-dē-ˈgər-dē, ˈhər-dē-ˌ\

Function: noun

Inflected Form(s): plural hur·dy–gurdies

Etymology: probably imitative

Date: 1749

1 : a stringed instrument in which sound is produced by the friction of a rosined wheel turned by a crank against the strings and the pitches are varied by keys
2 : any of various mechanical musical instruments (as the barrel organ)

Look what happens to that same girl, just a few years later, as she's ground her life away on the rosin-dusted wheel of the pernicious, gnomish hurdy-gurdy (below). Hopes and dreams turned to dust and ash, blind, bald, bearded, slack-jawed, hopeless, yet still spinning her hurdy-gurdy wheel, vainly, desperately hoping that gnomish gift will bring her that promised paydirt.

A lesson to us all: Beware of gnomes bearing gifts, for they will only bring doom to feckless, hapless humanity.

GWD: Willy-Nilly

By now, you will have noticed a tendency for gnomespeak to involve hyphens and repetition of nonsense words (e.g., razzle-dazzle, fuddy-duddy, heebie-jeebies, etc.) -- here is yet another addition to the gnomish lexicon, one that actually has a longer provenance than many of the others, curiously enough...

wil·ly–nil·ly

Pronunciation: \ˌwi-lē-ˈni-lē\

Function: adverb or adjective

Etymology: alteration of will I nill I or will ye nill ye or will he nill he

Date: 1608

1 : by compulsion : without choice
2 : in a haphazard or spontaneous manner

But notice the gnomish values of impulsiveness and whimsy are retained in it. And in gnomish aesthetics, why use one word, when you can use two nonsense words bound by a hyphen to communicate your pointless point?

18: Rube Goldberg Machines

I haven't delved into the gnomish addiction to contraptions too much, trying to lay the foundations of gnomedom before proceeding to its deeper mysteries, but the time is right to bring up the Rube Goldberg Machine as a terribly gnomish notion, succinctly defined as:

A Rube Goldberg machine is a deliberately over-engineered machine that performs a very simple task in a very complex fashion, usually including a chain reaction... the expression has expanded to denote any form of overly confusing or complicated system.

Over-engineered, overly confusing or complicated? Gnomish, in other words. I imagine a proper gnomish household to be full of such contraptions.

GWD: Fuddy-Duddy

Anybody who gainsays the gnomish agenda is invariably a fuddy-duddy, which is, of course, a perfectly gnomish word: meaningless, whimsical, pointless, idiotic, gratuitous...

fud·dy–dud·dy

Pronunciation: \ˈfə-dē-ˌdə-dē\

Function: noun

Inflected Form(s): plural fud·dy–dud·dies

Etymology: origin unknown

Date: circa 1904

: one that is old-fashioned, unimaginative, or conservative

— fuddy–duddy adjective

17: Lewis Carroll

"Twinkle, twinkle little bat How I wonder what you're at! Up above the world you fly, Like a tea-tray in the sky."

-- Lewis Carroll

Of course Lewis Carroll, the Vidkun Quisling of the gnomish agenda, out to betray humanity to the gnomes with his nonsense poetry and creepy, insane tales of Alice, must be numbered among gnomes and/or gnomish sycophants. Like nails traveling down the chalkboard of reason, he was, at least to me.

There's certainly a Cult of Carroll that embraces his mad whimsy as somehow expressive and freeing and fun, but I find his work irritating and creepy and unsettling.

Oh, and the missing diary entries for young Lewis, whatever could they be? His descendants with dustpans, cleaning up his messes, yes? Can't leave those scraps behind for the Snark to gobble up, now can we?

Carroll was a whimsical creep and a certifiable loon, which makes him certainly an A-lister among the gnomish saints. More Victorian baggage, perhaps part of the dark underbelly of Victorian social mores. Fortunately, that kind of nutballery has less currency than it once did.

Guaranteed that a fan of Carroll is a gnome, or a fellow traveler of gnomedom, or, at the very least, a pretentious eccentric.

16: Unicycle

Since the Vancouver Olympics has me thinking of sportish things for the moment, don't be surprised if I throw out a few more gnomish sporty items. Like the unicycle. Once again, like the most terribly gnomish of devices and contraptions, the mere invocation of it prompts a "Yes, of course" kind of reaction in the gentle reader.

"Ooh, look at me! I may be unbalanced, but no one can doubt my sense of balance! Hoo hoo! Ha ha! Hee hee! Look at me go! I'm on a unicycle! Tra la la lee!"

While the unicycle is surely the Cadillac of gnomish wheeled contraptions, any affectedly eccentric set of wheels runs the risk of being gnomish. Even if a pint-sized gnome couldn't even reach the peddles of such a bike, they'd sure want to, and would have a great, braying brass horn on their bike, too, just to be more annoying.

Note that wearing a wacky hat and juggling while riding a unicycle while playing a kazoo is surely gnomish heaven right there, and any individual doing this is a gnome.

15: Pogo Stick

The Pogo Stick is yet another piece of gnomish athletic equipment that really requires no explanation, as the idiocy of the contraption is self-evident. I bring it up only because technological innovations have created so-called "extreme pogo" -- a lifestyle that I think sensible people should avoid, as it is likely just gnomes having a bit of prankish fun with you (since the only thing dumber than a pogo stick is somebody practicing extreme pogo, like going off the side of a mountain or what-not).

14: Willy Wonka

And the poor little Oompa Loompas were so small and helpless, they would get gobbled up right and left. A Wangdoodle would eat ten of them for breakfast and think nothing of it. And so, I said, "Come and live with me in peace and safety, away from all the Wangdoodles, and Hornswogglers, and Snozzwangers, and rotten, Vermicious Knids."

--Willy Wonka

Willy Wonka is the gnome-as-industrialist. His candy factory is a glimpse into the world if gnomes had their way. I enjoy the movies as much as the next guy, but they are cautionary fables for anybody wary of the gnomish agenda. The Gene Wilder Wonka is more explicitly gnomish, relative to the gothed-up Johnny Depp Wonka, but the underlying mirthful menace behind gnomish ideology is apparent in both of them. People might be tempted to number the Oompa Loompas themselves as gnomes, but they're really just Wonka's hired muscle; Wonka is the prime mover at Wonka Industries.



It helps that the bad kids who suffer privations at the hands of Wonka and his cadres of Oompa Loompas are all really annoying, seeming deserving targets of gnomish pranking, which disguises the impish and slyly malevolent nature of Wonka's gnomishness.

Willy Wonka. Note the wacky tophat. It's probably edible.

GWD: Jalopy

Origin unknown? It's obvious, isn't it?

ja·lopy
Pronunciation: \jə-ˈlä-pē\

Function: noun

Inflected Form(s): plural ja·lop·ies

Etymology: origin unknown

Date: 1928

: a dilapidated old vehicle (as an automobile)

You know if a gnome must drive a vehicle, it will surely be a jalopy. It'll likely make a lot of funny/wacky noises, belch steam and smoke, have a lot of pointless knobs and levers on it, too.

13: Jew's Harp

Next to the kazoo, the Jew's Harp (also known as "Jaw Harp" these days) is surely one of the most gnomish musical instruments, and is, apparently, one of the world's oldest musical instruments, so likely a gnome pawned this off on some hapless prehistoric human with the twin gnome-purposes of: 1) being annoying and 2) making you look ridiculous.

You can't even think of it without the annoying "boing-bidda-boing" sound coming immediately to mind. I can just see a group of gnomes perched on mushrooms, playing away on their mouth harps, being all smugly whimsical, like they're in on some gnome-joke and you're sure to be the butt of their gnomefoolery.

GWD: Gobbledygook

No explanation even necessary, right? This is a marginally more useful gnomeword, and, as is the case with gnomewords, it embodies gnomish values quite nicely...

gob·ble·dy·gook
Variant(s): also gob·ble·de·gook \ˈgä-bəl-dē-ˌgu̇k, -ˌgük\

Function: noun

Etymology: irregular from gobble, noun

Date: 1944

: wordy and generally unintelligible jargon

12: Sit'n Spin

The Sit'n Spin might evoke a nostalgic fondness in some gentle readers, to a simpler time, maybe even a happier time. Small wonder that this gnomish product appeared in the late 70s, when the hippies were growing up and trying to find a place for their gnomish-infected values to plague future generations.

Enter the Sit'n Spin, a do-it-yourself merry-go-round, basically. For one. Why bother having friends? Why bother running around in circles, when you can Sit'n Spin?! Around and around and around you go, look at you go, a dervish-in-waiting, a human whirligig, looking like an idiot! Meantime, the gnomes who surely invented it are counting their money and laughing at you, pleased at their hoodwinkery.It's a credit to my snarky generation (Generation X) that "Sit'n Spin" evolved into an insult involving the middle finger, which perhaps reflected a sly rejection of gnomish values, a co-opting of gnomish neo-whimsy for our own nefarious ends.

Fortunately, the Sit'n Spin was eclipsed by the time and shorter attention spans of children, but the gnomish spirit of the Sit'n Spin lives on. I like the age limit on the product -- 18M to 5.5 years -- perhaps the high point of susceptibility to gnomish aesthetics, or perhaps simply a weight limit factor (no doubt the ever-fatter younger generations put the Sit'n Spin out of business, since they couldn't craft a sturdy enough product to bear the kiddies, who were likely sitting enough, anyway.

11: Juggling

Juggling qualifies as another gnomish "sport," where you feel like perhaps you're doing something, but really you're merely distracting yourself and others -- which is entirely gnomish in character. Confession: I learned how to juggle as a boy, was given a Klutz Book on how to juggle, and taught myself. I never took to it, never got very good at it, never saw the point in it, but I learned the basic moves of juggling, little did I know that I was being exposed to gnomish agitprop. In fact, even the word "juggle" has a bit of a gnomish flavor to it.

The pointlessness of juggling, except to demonstrate what, precisely -- nimble fingers? Is exactly what makes it so gnomish. "Lighten up! Be whimsical with us!" the jugglers-in-public seem to say. "Look at me! I'm wacky!"

I can't fault clowns and street performers for using the gnomish art of juggling for their own devious ends -- no doubt clowns use juggling to appear less evil and perhaps to lure in innocent victims. But everyday folk, civilians, if you will, who engage in public juggling are infected by gnomish ideology.

When I bike along the lakeshore in the summer, I often see this juggling group of leathery men who occupy the same spot on the shore every damned day, juggling. Tennis balls, bowling pins, passing them between each other. Every day. Such clockwork whimsy!

GWD: Razzle-Dazzle

This word sounds like an incantation a gnome would use to bedazzle you, pick your pocket, get you to play hacky sack or something...

raz·zle–daz·zle
Pronunciation: \ˌra-zəl-ˈda-zəl\

Function: noun

Etymology: reduplication of dazzle

Date: 1889

1 : a state of confusion or hilarity
2 : a complex maneuver (as in sports) designed to confuse an opponent
3 : a confusing or colorful often gaudy action or display

— razzle–dazzle adjective

The repetition of the sound of the words, coupled by the hyphen (always a good tipoff of gnomish work wankery) are the tells, here. What's "razzle" without the "dazzle?" In fact, it's nothing. There simply IS no "razzle." Maybe the "razzle" is the gnomish hitchhiker to the otherwise innocent "dazzle" -- maybe "razzle" is a gnomish syntactical retrovirus. "Razzle" certainly seems like it could be a gnomish name ("Razzle Q. Ambercrombie, at your service!")

Again, the Victorians are to blame for this word. Clearly, the Victorian penchant for whimsy revivalism (perhaps a byproduct of their repressive nature in other areas) opened the door wide for gnomish incursions.

GWD: Floccinaucinihilipilification

Not like any human being would honestly, actually use this word, but that's exactly the point: it's a gnomish word, embodying gnomish values, and only a gnome or gnome apologist would even use this word.

floc·cin·au·ci·nih·il·i·pil·if·i·ca·tion
(noun) : the estimation of a thing as worthless
(verb) : the act of rendering something as worthless or inconsequential

I want to buy a new car, but I am not looking forward to the floccinaucinihilipilification of my truck when I try to trade it in.

*shaking head*

Anybody even using this word in conversation rates a cockpunch.

10: Curling

Just in time for the Olympics, right? Curling. Another gnomish sport. And, yes, originally invented in Scotland, so we can blame the Scots for it, but who's to say some gnomes in Scotland didn't inspire the locals to give it a go? It certainly has the cardinal qualities of a gnomish sport: strange, wacky, pointless, ridiculous.

GWD: Heebie-Jeebies

This is a rare case of a gnomish word that I actually use from time to time.

hee·bie–jee·bies
Pronunciation: \ˌhē-bē-ˈjē-bēz\

Function: noun plural

Etymology: coined by Billy DeBeck †1942 American cartoonist

Date: 1923

9: Prop Comedy

I can't be sure whether a gnome invented prop comedy, but prop comedy is definitely gnomish, and is possibly another case of gnomish subversion in otherwise mundane human matters. Zany! Wacky! Giant-sized underpants! A big hammer! A tiny toilet! Woo hoo hoo!

While I'm sure prop comedy has its roots in vaudeville, and, thus, has some kind of comic lineage that is, perhaps, worthy of respect among its greatest practitioners, we're so far removed from vaudeville these days, it's hard to know what to think about it, anymore. Giant telephone! Ho ho hee! Lamp that looks like a leg! Har har hah!

I guarantee that gnomes, or the dupes of gnomes, are fans of prop comedy, and perpetrators. Notice Tommy Cooper's fez (e.g., wacky hat)...

8: Hacky Sack

There are a number of gnomish "sports" I could start with, but perhaps it's fitting that I begin with hacky sack.

It is conventionally associated with hippies, neo-hippies, and other folks similarly disposed (and, let's be honest, there is most definitely a strong gnomish streak in most hippie activities), but if a gnome were to invent a sport, hacky sack would most definitely be it. The combination of pointlessness with, what, exactly? Annoyance? Makes hacky sack an intoxicatingly gnomish sport for those inclined to embrace the gnomic lifestyle (fully aware that "gnomic" doesn't pertain to gnomes, but I'm commandeering the word for my own purposes, henceforth.). Hacky sack is the kissing cousin of juggling, which I haven't gotten to, yet, but will at some unspecified point in the future. The time and attention and useless dexterity required to master hacky sack makes it a picture-perfect gnomic sport.

Hacky sackers seem to have taken to calling it "footbag" to evade the gnomishness of the original name for what they do, as if to say "Look! We're serious athletes, here! Don't diss our sacks!" But please, please. It's hacky sack. You're participating in a gnomish sport, and should rightfully feel the shame of doing so.

Here is a video a fan of the "sport" short of some babe doing it, with The Pixies' music profaned by providing a soundtrack for it (although "Where Is My Mind?" is, perhaps, very apt, here). And sure, the young lady is fit, but I can't help but wonder if she'll pause at some point in her future and wonder "My God, what have I done with my life? I mastered hacky sack." (then she hacky sacks with a hand grenade and ends it). They shoot with a fair amount of slow-motion, here, to add gravitas, much like they do on the show, "Lost."



A possible theory for the existence of hacky sack is that is was really a gnomish prank perpetuated on humanity -- like some wily gnome gulled some poor hippies into doing it, and it spread, with the intention of making people look like idiots. Which is entirely in keeping with gnomish thinking.

7: Robin Williams

I don't even need to say anything. Robin Williams is a gnome. And he actually looks like one, too. Put a beard and a hat on him, perch him on a mushroom, voila. Gnome.

GWD: Doodad and Doohickey

A doodad (and its cousin, the doohickey) are so fucking gnomish that you're likely to sprout a pointy hat just saying them.

doo·dad

Pronunciation: \ˈdü-ˌdad\

Function: noun

Etymology: origin unknown

Date: 1888

1 : an ornamental attachment or decoration
2 : an often small article whose common name is unknown or forgotten: gadget

doo·hick·ey

Pronunciation: \ˈdü-ˌhi-kē\

Function: noun

Inflected Form(s): plural doo·hickeys also doo·hickies

Etymology: probably from doodad + hickey

Date: 1914

Again, we see the evolution of the language, with Victorians to blame for the "doodad" and then some whimsical gnomish linguistic dead-ender coming up with "doohickey" in a vain attempt to keep the word alive to vex and confound the 20th Century (which, all things being said, wasn't necessarily the most whimsical era in human history).

You can already see a pattern with the gnomish words -- an emphasis on gadgetry and a kind of addle-brained forgetfulness, like pointing at some arcane object and stammering out with increasing exasperation: "Fetch me that whatchamacallit! You know, the doodad! The thingamajig! The doohickey!"

Also, notice the ineffably ornamental quality of "doodad" -- it's a tip of the pointy hat to pointlessness, which is, and always will be at the heart of the gnomish soul.

6: Rumpelstiltskin

Although typically characterized as a "dwarf" or "dwarf-like creature" -- the name, and the annoyingness -- are dead giveaways. Rumpelstiltskin is a goddamned gnome. It is interesting to note the names of characters in similar tales, which point to the gnomish nature of the title character (emphasis added):

The same story pattern appears in numerous other cultures: Tom Tit Tot in England (from English Fairy Tales by Joseph Jacobs), Päronskaft (meaning "pear stalk") in Sweden[citation needed], Joaidane جعيدان in Arabic (he who talks too much), Martinko Klingáč in Slovakia, Ruidoquedito (meaning "little noise") in Spain and Ootz'Lee Gootz'Lee in Hebrew.

"Little Noise?" "He Who Talks Too Much?" Clearly, these other legends incorporate some of the annoyance one feels when crossing paths with gnomes.

Gnomenclature

On a whim, I googled "Gnome Name Generator" and saw something like 19,800 hits. Here were the first two hits:

Gnome Name Generator 1

Gnome Name Generator 2

Sigh. Generator 2 at least offers some commentary on the topic of gnomes, and even allows for culturally-relevant gnome names. I didn't even know that one could have a gnome with a Greek name. Does Greek mythology allow for gnomes?

But these name generators seem entirely too serious to be suitable gnome-namers. Because to me, you don't even really need a name generator to convincingly name a gnome. Rather, the gnome's name should be needless and annoying. I'll create some out of the blue to demonstrate gnomishness...

• Sneedly Snodgrass
• Wally J. Fogbottom III
• Dexter Aleguzzle
  
• Downy Pillowflinger
• Dolly Brambledancer
  

You get the idea. Make it goofy and annoyingly offbeat, and you've got yourself a suitably gnomish name. You can probably already imagine the gnomes those names belong to. Annoying, right? Chewing on straw. Big fucking hats. Perched somewhere, where on a mushroom or a tree stump, being gnomes, looking at you all smugly, a sly twinkle in their eyes.

A good rule of thumb with a gnomish name is if it can be offered up with "...at your service" after it, perhaps with a happy-go-lucky little bow, you've got yourself a goddamned gnome-name.

"Wally J. Fogbottom III, at your service!" (little bow)

5: Tom Bombadil

"Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!/ Ring a dong! hop along! fal lal the willow! Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo!"

-- Tom Bombadil

Tom Bombadil. Tom Motherfucking Bombadil. I don't want Tolkien scholar dickbags quibbling about this, because it's just not even a matter of debate. "Spirit of the English countryside," my ass. Bombadil's a gnome. Easily the most annoying character in "The Lord of the Rings" by a country mile, Bombadil -- that carefree, verse-spouting, nimble-witted jackanape -- he might as well be the patron saint of gnomedom, embodying everything gnomish in everything he does. Behind every gnomish thing, there lies Bombadil.

I hate even writing about Bombadil, frankly. But as we delve into the depths of gnomedom, it's simply required for me to mention him. And if you are somebody who actually likes Bombadil, then you, my friend, are a damned gnome.

To those of you who may not know Bombadil, or what he signifies, just be warned: if a person you are interested in likes Bombadil, be afraid. Be very afraid. The militancy of their support for Bombadil is directly proportional to their douchiness. Trust me on this. If, on the other hand, you want to cockpunch Bombadil upon reading about him, then there's hope for you, yet.

Is he happy? Is he insane? Is he insanely happy? Is he happily insane? No one knows! Even Tom Bombadil doesn't know! Oooh, look how madcap he is, high on life....


There's a Zen saying, something about if you meet the Buddha, kill him. If you meet Tom Bombadil, kill him. Seriously. Just pop him.

Pink Floyd: The Gnome

And let's just get this out of the way, yes? One of the late Syd Barrett's last Pink Floyd contributions, "The Gnome," before he became an acid casualty...



I remember hearing that tune on "Piper..." as a teen and thinking "WTF??" Isn't it gooooooooooood? No, Syd. No, it's not. Here's the lyrics, in case you want to sing along. I think Grimble Grumble (points to Barrett for offering up a VERY gnomish name, there) must've been partaking of fistfuls of magic mushrooms...

"The Gnome"

I want to tell you a story
About a little man
If I can.
A gnome named Grimble Grumble.
And little gnomes stay in their homes.
Eating, sleeping, drinking their wine.
He wore a scarlet tunic,
A blue green hood,
It looked quite good.
He had a big adventure
Amidst the grass
Fresh air at last.
Wining, dining, biding his time.
And then one day - hooray!
Another way for gnomes to say
Hoooooooooray.
Look at the sky, look at the river
Isn't it good?
Look at the sky, look at the river
Isn't it good?
Winding, finding places to go.
And then one day - hooray!
Another way for gnomes to say
Hoooooooooray.
Hooooooooooooooray.

4: Kazoos

One of the most well-known of gnomish musical instruments is the kazoo. Few instruments better embody the spirit of gnomish pointless whimsy quite like a good old-fashioned kazoo.

In fact, even the word "kazoo" is fucking gnomish (for the wordsmiths out there, the word originated in 1884, so we have the Victorians to blame for the goddamned kazoo).

Aren't they fun? Aren't they wacky? Kazoos for everybody! I think waterboarding is not necessary to break a terrorist -- you want them to break? Play kazoos at them for a few hours. THAT will break them.

And if you really, really want to annoy them, why not "talk" with a kazoo in your mouth? Can you imagine interrogating somebody doing "Kazoo Speak?" It'll confuse and infuriate them in short order, and they will break. No need for leg-breaking or forced posture positions or any of that so-called "Torture Lite." Just ship a box of kazoos to the interrogators and let them use them on the detainees (are we allowed to call them "prisoners" anymore?) and watch them break before the musical mimsy-whimsy that is the kazoo.

This clip more than amply demonstrates the torture potential of kazoos...



Oh, how wacky! Seriously, it makes the hair on my arms stand up.

GWD: Thingamajig

It hardly even needs to be said, as it's a synonym of "Whatchamacallit" but then again, saying things that needn't be said is so fucking gnomish, that I'm going to say it, anyway...

thing·am·a·jig

Variant(s): or thing·um·a·jig \ˈthiŋ-ə-mə-ˌjig\

Function: noun

Etymology: alteration of earlier thingum, from thing

Date: 1828

: something that is hard to classify or whose name is unknown or forgotten

And I'll add that what this word means is quintessentially gnomish -- a word to classify something that is hard to classify.

I'll throw in thingamabob in as well, as a synonym of "thingamajig."

thing·am·a·bob

Pronunciation: \ˈthiŋ-ə-mə-ˌbäb\

Function: noun

Date: 1750

You can see the nature of gnomish language already. When we're through, here, you'll have a keen sense of gnomish syntax. Interesting that "thingamabob" predates "thingamajig" -- clearly, gnomish language evolved a bit in that span of time, but pointless innovation is key to gnomish life.

3: "Funny" (Ugly) Hats

Few things are more gnomish than ugly hats. You know them when you see them. They can't simply be ugly; they have to be willfully, self-consciously "wacky" and "funny" and "weird" to really be gnomish hats. The stereotypical "gnomish cone" hat isn't enough these days. The real gnome-about-town swings for the rafters in their headwear.

The ultimate gnomish hat is the "Cat In the Hat" hat. Any person actually sporting one of these at a public event is a fucking gnome. Anybody even owning one of these is a gnome, and you should be immediately on guard about this person you only thought you knew.

Not to malign the anarchic spirit of the Cat in the Hat himself -- the coy menace he represents in that Seuss book is bold enough on its own, and has never been properly rendered outside of Seuss's writing. But the drive to wear such a hat is emblematic of gnomish impulses.

The runner-up to this hat is the beer helmet, which weds the gnomish tendency toward pointless whimsy with irritating contraptions (to be dealt with later).

Anybody wearing a beer helmet is a damned gnome. No two ways about it. And one might say "What's wrong with that?" The answer is, simply: EVERYTHING. It is a beer helmet. Human beings should not wear beer helmets.

Snowboarders are particularly susceptible to gnomish headgear, for reasons as yet unexplored. Maybe it's part of the devil-may-care culture endemic to snowboarding? I don't know.

In the case of this picture below, the girl is most definitely the gnome, here -- can't you see her smug smile, there? "Look what I did?!" She even looks like a gnome (the eyes are a dead giveaway, although I blocked them out, here). No doubt she crafted those wacky, wacky hats in a fit of contrived wackiness that plagues gnomes everywhere...

Gnomish Word of the Day: Whatchamacallit

Gnomish words can be recognized by their generally foolhardy nature and pointlessness. I'll try to post a "Gnomish Word of the Day" (GWD henceforth) so you can get a proper sense of gnomish vocabulary, starting with an obvious one...

what·cha·ma·call·it
Pronunciation: \ˈhwä-chə-mə-ˌkȯ-lət, ˈwä-, ˈ(h)wə-\
Function: noun
Etymology: alteration of what you may call it
Date: 1928

Now, quibblers might say how can a word be "gnomish" -- but a word like "whatchamacallit" is entirely in keeping with those of a gnomish temperament, out to foist their gnomish cultural mores upon you in insidious and pointlessly whimsical ways.

2: They Might Be Giants

They Might Be Giants (TMBG) is the Led Zeppelin of gnomish bands. They Might Be Giants? They Definitely Are Gnomes!



They are not the only gnomish band out there, but they are certainly the most quintessentially gnomish of bands. The only thing more gnomish than TMBG is the one-man band, the lackwit walking about with cymbals strapped to his knees, a harmonica at his mouth, a bass drum on his chest or his back....

Now, I know TMBG has earned some plaudits for their whole children's music venture. Sure, sure, why not? But TMBG will always be a gnomish outfit, pimping out their wannabe whimsical gnomish affectedly quirky tunes for their flock.

1: Balloon Animals

Balloon animals are inherently gnomish. Look! It's an animal made out of balloons! Never saw THAT coming, didja?

I don't like gnomes

Gnomes are annoying. I loathe gnomes. Like when people kidnap garden gnomes and take pictures of them going around the world? I support that. I fully support gnome-kidnapping. Not because I believe gnomes should be liberated, so much as gnomes are a bane.

This blog is dedicated to all things gnomish, that you might better understand just what is annoying and horrible about gnomes.

"But gnomes don't exist," you might protest. Of course. But gnomish things, what they represent -- that toxic blend of pointless, twinkle-eyed whimsy -- that is a dire threat that must be protected against.

You have been warned. Run while you still can.

Battle not with gnomes, lest you become one.