Gnomenclature

On a whim, I googled "Gnome Name Generator" and saw something like 19,800 hits. Here were the first two hits:

Gnome Name Generator 1

Gnome Name Generator 2

Sigh. Generator 2 at least offers some commentary on the topic of gnomes, and even allows for culturally-relevant gnome names. I didn't even know that one could have a gnome with a Greek name. Does Greek mythology allow for gnomes?

But these name generators seem entirely too serious to be suitable gnome-namers. Because to me, you don't even really need a name generator to convincingly name a gnome. Rather, the gnome's name should be needless and annoying. I'll create some out of the blue to demonstrate gnomishness...

• Sneedly Snodgrass
• Wally J. Fogbottom III
• Dexter Aleguzzle
  
• Downy Pillowflinger
• Dolly Brambledancer
  

You get the idea. Make it goofy and annoyingly offbeat, and you've got yourself a suitably gnomish name. You can probably already imagine the gnomes those names belong to. Annoying, right? Chewing on straw. Big fucking hats. Perched somewhere, where on a mushroom or a tree stump, being gnomes, looking at you all smugly, a sly twinkle in their eyes.

A good rule of thumb with a gnomish name is if it can be offered up with "...at your service" after it, perhaps with a happy-go-lucky little bow, you've got yourself a goddamned gnome-name.

"Wally J. Fogbottom III, at your service!" (little bow)

5: Tom Bombadil

"Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!/ Ring a dong! hop along! fal lal the willow! Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo!"

-- Tom Bombadil

Tom Bombadil. Tom Motherfucking Bombadil. I don't want Tolkien scholar dickbags quibbling about this, because it's just not even a matter of debate. "Spirit of the English countryside," my ass. Bombadil's a gnome. Easily the most annoying character in "The Lord of the Rings" by a country mile, Bombadil -- that carefree, verse-spouting, nimble-witted jackanape -- he might as well be the patron saint of gnomedom, embodying everything gnomish in everything he does. Behind every gnomish thing, there lies Bombadil.

I hate even writing about Bombadil, frankly. But as we delve into the depths of gnomedom, it's simply required for me to mention him. And if you are somebody who actually likes Bombadil, then you, my friend, are a damned gnome.

To those of you who may not know Bombadil, or what he signifies, just be warned: if a person you are interested in likes Bombadil, be afraid. Be very afraid. The militancy of their support for Bombadil is directly proportional to their douchiness. Trust me on this. If, on the other hand, you want to cockpunch Bombadil upon reading about him, then there's hope for you, yet.

Is he happy? Is he insane? Is he insanely happy? Is he happily insane? No one knows! Even Tom Bombadil doesn't know! Oooh, look how madcap he is, high on life....


There's a Zen saying, something about if you meet the Buddha, kill him. If you meet Tom Bombadil, kill him. Seriously. Just pop him.

Pink Floyd: The Gnome

And let's just get this out of the way, yes? One of the late Syd Barrett's last Pink Floyd contributions, "The Gnome," before he became an acid casualty...



I remember hearing that tune on "Piper..." as a teen and thinking "WTF??" Isn't it gooooooooooood? No, Syd. No, it's not. Here's the lyrics, in case you want to sing along. I think Grimble Grumble (points to Barrett for offering up a VERY gnomish name, there) must've been partaking of fistfuls of magic mushrooms...

"The Gnome"

I want to tell you a story
About a little man
If I can.
A gnome named Grimble Grumble.
And little gnomes stay in their homes.
Eating, sleeping, drinking their wine.
He wore a scarlet tunic,
A blue green hood,
It looked quite good.
He had a big adventure
Amidst the grass
Fresh air at last.
Wining, dining, biding his time.
And then one day - hooray!
Another way for gnomes to say
Hoooooooooray.
Look at the sky, look at the river
Isn't it good?
Look at the sky, look at the river
Isn't it good?
Winding, finding places to go.
And then one day - hooray!
Another way for gnomes to say
Hoooooooooray.
Hooooooooooooooray.

4: Kazoos

One of the most well-known of gnomish musical instruments is the kazoo. Few instruments better embody the spirit of gnomish pointless whimsy quite like a good old-fashioned kazoo.

In fact, even the word "kazoo" is fucking gnomish (for the wordsmiths out there, the word originated in 1884, so we have the Victorians to blame for the goddamned kazoo).

Aren't they fun? Aren't they wacky? Kazoos for everybody! I think waterboarding is not necessary to break a terrorist -- you want them to break? Play kazoos at them for a few hours. THAT will break them.

And if you really, really want to annoy them, why not "talk" with a kazoo in your mouth? Can you imagine interrogating somebody doing "Kazoo Speak?" It'll confuse and infuriate them in short order, and they will break. No need for leg-breaking or forced posture positions or any of that so-called "Torture Lite." Just ship a box of kazoos to the interrogators and let them use them on the detainees (are we allowed to call them "prisoners" anymore?) and watch them break before the musical mimsy-whimsy that is the kazoo.

This clip more than amply demonstrates the torture potential of kazoos...



Oh, how wacky! Seriously, it makes the hair on my arms stand up.

GWD: Thingamajig

It hardly even needs to be said, as it's a synonym of "Whatchamacallit" but then again, saying things that needn't be said is so fucking gnomish, that I'm going to say it, anyway...

thing·am·a·jig

Variant(s): or thing·um·a·jig \ˈthiŋ-ə-mə-ˌjig\

Function: noun

Etymology: alteration of earlier thingum, from thing

Date: 1828

: something that is hard to classify or whose name is unknown or forgotten

And I'll add that what this word means is quintessentially gnomish -- a word to classify something that is hard to classify.

I'll throw in thingamabob in as well, as a synonym of "thingamajig."

thing·am·a·bob

Pronunciation: \ˈthiŋ-ə-mə-ˌbäb\

Function: noun

Date: 1750

You can see the nature of gnomish language already. When we're through, here, you'll have a keen sense of gnomish syntax. Interesting that "thingamabob" predates "thingamajig" -- clearly, gnomish language evolved a bit in that span of time, but pointless innovation is key to gnomish life.