28: Knock-Knock Joke

A weaponized pun, requiring its own section, is the Knock-Knock Joke, the gnomish comedic staple of kids everywhere, before they develop more nuanced senses of humor. Any adult doing a knock-knock joke should be lobbed from the roof of the nearest tall building, or at least marked as a gnomish agent.

27: Puns

Gnomes are all about puns, particularly bad puns. Really, really bad puns. What is gnomish about them? Everything. Their pointlessness, their silliness, and their annoyingness. Puns can get almost anybody to groan in irritation. Only gnomes (and their aspirants) take great satisfaction in puns, since they exploit ambiguities in language for (to gnomes) comedic effect.

8: Hacky Sack

There are a number of gnomish "sports" I could start with, but perhaps it's fitting that I begin with hacky sack.

It is conventionally associated with hippies, neo-hippies, and other folks similarly disposed (and, let's be honest, there is most definitely a strong gnomish streak in most hippie activities), but if a gnome were to invent a sport, hacky sack would most definitely be it. The combination of pointlessness with, what, exactly? Annoyance? Makes hacky sack an intoxicatingly gnomish sport for those inclined to embrace the gnomic lifestyle (fully aware that "gnomic" doesn't pertain to gnomes, but I'm commandeering the word for my own purposes, henceforth.). Hacky sack is the kissing cousin of juggling, which I haven't gotten to, yet, but will at some unspecified point in the future. The time and attention and useless dexterity required to master hacky sack makes it a picture-perfect gnomic sport.

Hacky sackers seem to have taken to calling it "footbag" to evade the gnomishness of the original name for what they do, as if to say "Look! We're serious athletes, here! Don't diss our sacks!" But please, please. It's hacky sack. You're participating in a gnomish sport, and should rightfully feel the shame of doing so.

Here is a video a fan of the "sport" short of some babe doing it, with The Pixies' music profaned by providing a soundtrack for it (although "Where Is My Mind?" is, perhaps, very apt, here). And sure, the young lady is fit, but I can't help but wonder if she'll pause at some point in her future and wonder "My God, what have I done with my life? I mastered hacky sack." (then she hacky sacks with a hand grenade and ends it). They shoot with a fair amount of slow-motion, here, to add gravitas, much like they do on the show, "Lost."



A possible theory for the existence of hacky sack is that is was really a gnomish prank perpetuated on humanity -- like some wily gnome gulled some poor hippies into doing it, and it spread, with the intention of making people look like idiots. Which is entirely in keeping with gnomish thinking.

5: Tom Bombadil

"Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!/ Ring a dong! hop along! fal lal the willow! Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo!"

-- Tom Bombadil

Tom Bombadil. Tom Motherfucking Bombadil. I don't want Tolkien scholar dickbags quibbling about this, because it's just not even a matter of debate. "Spirit of the English countryside," my ass. Bombadil's a gnome. Easily the most annoying character in "The Lord of the Rings" by a country mile, Bombadil -- that carefree, verse-spouting, nimble-witted jackanape -- he might as well be the patron saint of gnomedom, embodying everything gnomish in everything he does. Behind every gnomish thing, there lies Bombadil.

I hate even writing about Bombadil, frankly. But as we delve into the depths of gnomedom, it's simply required for me to mention him. And if you are somebody who actually likes Bombadil, then you, my friend, are a damned gnome.

To those of you who may not know Bombadil, or what he signifies, just be warned: if a person you are interested in likes Bombadil, be afraid. Be very afraid. The militancy of their support for Bombadil is directly proportional to their douchiness. Trust me on this. If, on the other hand, you want to cockpunch Bombadil upon reading about him, then there's hope for you, yet.

Is he happy? Is he insane? Is he insanely happy? Is he happily insane? No one knows! Even Tom Bombadil doesn't know! Oooh, look how madcap he is, high on life....


There's a Zen saying, something about if you meet the Buddha, kill him. If you meet Tom Bombadil, kill him. Seriously. Just pop him.