48: One-Man Bands

Hah! You thought the gnomes had gotten to me, didn't you, Gentle Reader? I know it's been quite awhile. I mean, I haven't posted since 2015! No doubt the Gnomish Agenda has advanced in the past eight years. Well, I'm still here, and I'm still loathing gnomes.

To that end, a definite gnomish thing is the concept of the one-man band. I'm not talking Nine Inch Nails, here (not gnomish, despite being a one-man band), but, rather, those hapless souls you might see performing at festivals and street fairs, trying to do what, exactly? Make beautiful music? Impress tourists with their industriously brazen moxie? I don't know.

I have a pet theory around the existence of one-man bands: these are human males (overwhelmingly human males) who have been apparently cursed by the Gnomish underground to make fools of themselves in this fashion. 

Is it a life sentence? Do one-man bands do this for their entire lives? Or until they hurl themselves off bridges? I'm not sure, but there are few contraptions (?) more resolutely gnomish than the one-man band.

The next time you're at a street festival or fair, or in any kind of public setting and you see a one-man band performing, know that this poor soul has been cursed by gnomes.

Or, perhaps worse, they're gnomish-adjacent madmen who aspire toward gnomedom.

45: April Fools' Day

I think April Fools' Day is a gnomish holiday. Gnomes are known for their fondness of mischief, pranking, and practical jokes, and since this is part and parcel what April Fools' Day (aka, "All Fools' Day") is about, I am confident that it's integral to the gnomish agenda. Looking at what Wikipedia says, the gnomish angle is obscured (love that the Stoic Romans had a festival called "Hilaria" -- I may have to bring that one back)...

Precursors of April Fools' Day include the Roman festival of Hilaria, held March 25,[2] and the Medieval Festival of Fools, held December 28,[3] still a day on which pranks are played in Spanish-speaking countries.

In Chaucer's Canterbury Tales (1392), the "Nun's Priest's Tale" is set Syn March bigan thritty dayes and two.[4] Modern scholars believe that there is a copying error in the extant manuscripts and that Chaucer actually wrote, Syn March was gon.[5] Thus the passage originally meant 32 days after March, i.e. May 2,[6] the anniversary of the engagement of King Richard II of England to Anne of Bohemia, which took place in 1381. Readers apparently misunderstood this line to mean "March 32", i.e. April 1.[7] In Chaucer's tale, the vain cock Chauntecleer is tricked by a fox.

In 1508, French poet Eloy d'Amerval referred to a poisson d’avril (April fool, literally "April fish"), a possible reference to the holiday.[8] In 1539, Flemish poet Eduard de Dene wrote of a nobleman who sent his servants on foolish errands on April 1.[6] In 1686, John Aubrey referred to the holiday as "Fooles holy day", the first British reference.[6] On April 1, 1698, several people were tricked into going to the Tower of London to "see the Lions washed".[6]

In the Middle Ages, New Year's Day was celebrated on March 25 in most European towns.[9] In some areas of France, New Year's was a week-long holiday ending on April 1.[2][3] Many writers suggest that April Fools originated because those who celebrated on the January 1 made fun of those who celebrated on other dates.[2] The use of the January 1 as New Year's Day was common in France by the mid-sixteenth century,[6] and this date was adopted officially in 1564 by the Edict of Roussillon.

All the same, I think April Fools' Day must be a gnomish holiday -- a time when gnomes and their fellow travelers could gleefully prank everyday humanity with impunity.

39: Prog Rock

Now, you might think Elves are to blame for Progressive Rock, aka "Prog Rock." And I'm going to at least lay some of the blame on them for it, but not all of it. But, at the same time, I can't rule out a certain Gnomish influence to Prog. I think it's the evoking of faraway places and mystical realms that seems goddamned gnomish, as well as the sheer self-indulgent pointlessness of Prog.

Or maybe it's because one of the most horrid of Prog Rock bands has a gnome on their album. Oh, sure, it's a "gentle giant" (just like the band, get it?) -- but looking at that painting, you know what I see? A gnome. In fact, my first instinct is like "Wow, that gnome shrunk the band!"

34: Paddle Ball

You know those paddle balls? The ones with the rubber ball attached to them by a length of rubber band? Gnomish. "It's fun!" these say, as if persuading themselves of it, or else trying to dupe a human mark into taking it up. And the little hole at the bottom of the handle seems a particularly sinister touch, like trying to get a "hole in one" with that being enough to drive a person crazy. Which is what the gnomes intended all along.

33: Cup Stacking

I refuse to call it "Sport Stacking." Refuse. You're stacking cups. Quickly. You're not reading, or enjoying sunshine or romance or anything. You're stacking cups. Quickly. Cup stacking seems like a "stupid kid" pastime -- the handheld version of Hungry Hungry Hippos, basically. I can't help but think that it's priming a generation of kids to be ace dishwashers. Or adroit street hucksters out to flim-flam unfortunate marks -- and that's the gnomish agenda laid bare in cup stacking. You stacked some fucking cups. Quickly. Good for you. Somewhere, you've made a gaggle of gnomes very proud.



Seeing shit like this makes me wish that these kids would take up more productive hobbies, like, I dunno, drugs.

32: Devil Sticks

Ooh, what a scary name, right? Devil Sticks. Hippie Sticks. Phish Sticks, they might as well be.

The origins of devil sticks remain obscure. What is known is that many civilizations around the world were creating several types of devil sticks starting at some time over 3,500 years ago.

Obscure origin? Oh, we know where they came from: yet another gnomish invention inflicted upon humanity. Is the Devil a gnome? He just might be! For sure, the whole "idle hands are the Devil's playthings" saying applies where devil sticks are concerned. These are invariably trotted out at assorted jam-bandish gatherings, when you get a bunch of gnome wannabes embracing gnomish values while smoking copious amounts of gnomeweed. Just as reliable as the hacky-sackers and the jugglers and the unicyclers is the devil sticker...

Update: Miniature Golf

Glow-in-the-dark miniature golf. Just when you thought it couldn't get any more gnomish, now the gnomes have hapless humans playing miniature golf in the dark. Some of the places include 3-D glasses for yet another pointless innovation to the already pointless enterprise of miniature golf.

The picture in that link above creeps me out -- what is that ogre-like guy doing with that poor kid? I dunno, but he's creepy. Of course, they couldn't just come out and have some grinning glow-in-the-dark fucking gnome in the picture, or nobody would even turn up.

24: Miniature Golf

Miniature golf is completely gnomish. Not that golf even really needed to be more ridiculous an activity than it already is, leave it to gnomes to come up with a way of making it so. It's hard to divine gnomish thinking on this, whether it was conceived as a deliberate insult to the Scottish people, or what, exactly, they had in mind with it. But miniature golf (and any golf gnomes would play must, by their very stature, be miniature golf, no?) is completely gnomish. It's perhaps marginally less baneful than other gnomish recreations, but the spirit of pointless innovation and kitschy whimsy (to say nothing of the waste of time it represents) that infects it is, as ever, a warning of gnomish machinations on mankind.

Note, it's curious to read one of the founding legends of miniature golf:

The story goes that while on opium a group of men were playing a round of golf. They noticed that the extra objects (hallucinations) were getting in their way while trying to get to the green. After thinking on this for a while they came to the conclusion that this could be the base idea for a new version of golf. The name "crazy golf" is also supposed to come from this story. After the invention of crazy golf it became generally acceptable for women to play the game as it was not as masculine in nature as the original.

Note the use of opium and the original name of "crazy golf" in the mix -- gnomish fingerprints on this activity! So, go ahead, play some virtual miniature golf. Time well spent! Make some gnomes happy, why don't you?