16: Unicycle

Since the Vancouver Olympics has me thinking of sportish things for the moment, don't be surprised if I throw out a few more gnomish sporty items. Like the unicycle. Once again, like the most terribly gnomish of devices and contraptions, the mere invocation of it prompts a "Yes, of course" kind of reaction in the gentle reader.

"Ooh, look at me! I may be unbalanced, but no one can doubt my sense of balance! Hoo hoo! Ha ha! Hee hee! Look at me go! I'm on a unicycle! Tra la la lee!"

While the unicycle is surely the Cadillac of gnomish wheeled contraptions, any affectedly eccentric set of wheels runs the risk of being gnomish. Even if a pint-sized gnome couldn't even reach the peddles of such a bike, they'd sure want to, and would have a great, braying brass horn on their bike, too, just to be more annoying.

Note that wearing a wacky hat and juggling while riding a unicycle while playing a kazoo is surely gnomish heaven right there, and any individual doing this is a gnome.

15: Pogo Stick

The Pogo Stick is yet another piece of gnomish athletic equipment that really requires no explanation, as the idiocy of the contraption is self-evident. I bring it up only because technological innovations have created so-called "extreme pogo" -- a lifestyle that I think sensible people should avoid, as it is likely just gnomes having a bit of prankish fun with you (since the only thing dumber than a pogo stick is somebody practicing extreme pogo, like going off the side of a mountain or what-not).

14: Willy Wonka

And the poor little Oompa Loompas were so small and helpless, they would get gobbled up right and left. A Wangdoodle would eat ten of them for breakfast and think nothing of it. And so, I said, "Come and live with me in peace and safety, away from all the Wangdoodles, and Hornswogglers, and Snozzwangers, and rotten, Vermicious Knids."

--Willy Wonka

Willy Wonka is the gnome-as-industrialist. His candy factory is a glimpse into the world if gnomes had their way. I enjoy the movies as much as the next guy, but they are cautionary fables for anybody wary of the gnomish agenda. The Gene Wilder Wonka is more explicitly gnomish, relative to the gothed-up Johnny Depp Wonka, but the underlying mirthful menace behind gnomish ideology is apparent in both of them. People might be tempted to number the Oompa Loompas themselves as gnomes, but they're really just Wonka's hired muscle; Wonka is the prime mover at Wonka Industries.



It helps that the bad kids who suffer privations at the hands of Wonka and his cadres of Oompa Loompas are all really annoying, seeming deserving targets of gnomish pranking, which disguises the impish and slyly malevolent nature of Wonka's gnomishness.

Willy Wonka. Note the wacky tophat. It's probably edible.

GWD: Jalopy

Origin unknown? It's obvious, isn't it?

ja·lopy
Pronunciation: \jə-ˈlä-pē\

Function: noun

Inflected Form(s): plural ja·lop·ies

Etymology: origin unknown

Date: 1928

: a dilapidated old vehicle (as an automobile)

You know if a gnome must drive a vehicle, it will surely be a jalopy. It'll likely make a lot of funny/wacky noises, belch steam and smoke, have a lot of pointless knobs and levers on it, too.