47: Carry Me Gnome

What, Gentle Reader? Did you think there wasn't anything else gnome-related to share? Oh, no. I give you the Carry Me Gnome novelty costume:

Now you can have the opportunity to horrify/bemuse/terrify your friends by making it appear that you are being carted around by a frickin' dead-eyed gnome. Why? Because gnomes, of course. Whimsy! Silliness. Insanity!

While it might otherwise seem that Mankind has the edge on this one over the dreaded gnomes, I would argue that the gnomes are the ones who are getting the last laugh, here, by making an utter fool out of whomever donned this costume. And it's jarring to see that the costume is sold out, so clearly, many took the bait, and fell into the trap cunningly laid by the gnomes.

CB2 Appears to Be a Gnomish Front Organization

I just thought I'd mention that in addition to the Gnome Terrarium and the Disco Gnome, it appears that CB2 is offering two other gnome-related products:

Gustav, the Glossy Gnome

Here's what they say:

Gnome home. Gustav keeps your garden growing with a fun wink of folklore and whimsy. Standing nearly a foot-and-a-half tall, this earthenware figure is glazed glossy white with a mystical beard and twinkling eyes.

I am Gustav. Let me into your garden, Human.

And

The Gnome Table Lamp

Glow gnome. Folkloric friend lights up the room with a wink of whimsy in gleaming metallic copper. Cast in polyresin, sculptural gnome glows from mythical beard to tunic to boots, illuminated beneath a white linen shade.

I am watching everything you do, Human.

The folkloric friend has returned, full of winking whimsy. You have been warned.

Gnome Terrarium

Oh, and I almost forgot, CB2 offers a Gnome Terrarium (on clearance, no less). As they say in their writeup (notice that they say that the accessories will vary; as with anything Gnomish, capriciousness is a given):

Enchanted garden. Grow green with a mini folkloric friend. Easy-to-use kit comes with everything you need to create a tiny terrarium, including a mason jar with daisy cutout lid for aeration, soil, moss, colored rocks, fabric flower—and most importantly, a trusty gnome and tiny accessory to tend the garden. Gnome-sized accessories will vary, but could include a wee wheelbarrow, watering pail or pick axe. Just add the plant of your choice.

"Trusty Gnome" -- those are two words that should never be paired, if you ask me. If it weren't for the sake of the plant you'd put inside, I'd suggest not using the daisy cutout lid for aeration, and consider it a Gnome Disposal Jar, but that's just me.

On the other hand, it's useful as a Gnome Containment Unit, if you want to be sure the Gnome cannot effectively escape its wee prison.

Noam Chomsky Gnome

I'm frankly flabbergasted it's taken this long for somebody to engineer it, but there's now a Noam Chomsky Gnome, available for purchase (out of stock, curiously, so there are either acolytes of Professor Chomsky out there who had to have it, or else Gnomish agents busy acquiring them). Maybe the gnomes have gotten to Chomsky. I'm not entirely sure.

Disco Gnome?

Did you think the Gnomes got to me? That I'd been spirited away by a gang of gnomes? No, Gentle Reader. I'm still here. And I'm still maintaining my vigil of all things gnomish. Behold, from CB2:

The Disco Gnome

Pairing the glam whimsy of a disco ball with the furtive, earthy machinations of the garden gnome, they have spawned the Disco Gnome.

I admit to almost being tempted by this particular bit of bric-a-brac, because everybody's better with mirrors festooned across it.

Still, I am wary, because, like all things gnomish, this is something laden with peril and mystery. Incidentally, it appears that this gnome is nicknamed "Bling Bling," fittingly enough...

46: Doctor Snuggles

Doctor Snuggles, traveling gnome-style.

I remember stumbling across "Doctor Snuggles" in the early-morning hours as a child, and not understanding what the hell that show was about, and being more than a little unnerved by the trippy nature of it (politely termed "lightly psychedelic" in the Wikipedia writeup). This was before I became aware of the gnomish agenda, and the notion of a man with a talking pocketwatch, traveling around by means of a talking pogo stick was taken at face value, without larger context. It's curious to read the wikipedia entry above, as it indicates that the show had British, German, and Dutch producers -- thus, the show managed to braid together three potent cultural strains of gnomedom into one Gordian Knot.

Doctor Snuggles is a bit of a gnomish Quisling, in that he is that rarest of creatures: a beardless gnome. He was clearly operating incognito. He's also fairly stoic and reserved, isn't whacky or madcap, but this may well be part of his cover, since he is clearly either tripping on a lot of low-grade acid and/or is just attempting to propagandize gnomish lifestyles for unwary audiences. He's an inventor, naturally.

Go ahead, watch an episode. The theme song has stayed with me for, what, over 30 years? The tinker/inventor sounds at the beginning are also terribly gnomish. And a wooden rocket ship? WTF? Gnomes.

42 and 43: The Traveling Gnome and the Travelocity Gnome

Look, I really tried to ignore it, but the "Traveling Gnome" of Travelocity fame (or infamy) bothers me nearly as much as the Traveling Gnome meme of years past. While I heartily endorse gnomenapping, just do the decent thing and bury them in an unmarked grave or something (maybe hitting them a few times with a shovel, for good measure); don't waste time and life energy transporting the gnome around with you, snapping photographs of it. Travelocity gamely (or, as I would put it, lamely) picked up the Traveling Gnome idea and ran into the endzone with it. Over and over and over again. And it's not even a terribly gnomish gnome -- it's like a Corporate Gnome(tm) -- look at the blank expression on its face, the concealed hands -- it's a gnome that means business, literally and figuratively. The Travelocity Gnome is a gangster. And so it's even more of a fraud than gnomes in general, who strive for nothing more than being whimsical nuisances. You're expected to simply trust this gnome with your travel arrangements? Good luck with that, Bud. You're going to end up in a mushroom forest, naked, with an apple in your mouth, and no memory of how you got there. That is a gnomish idea of a "nice trip."

I can almost imagine the company artist being charged with crafting a gnome for Travelocity, them saying "Look, we want a gnome, like those Traveling Gnomes, right? But he can't look too impish -- we want to convey the idea of the Traveling Gnome, without it being too, well, in your face. We want a gnome who has no agenda except bringing good savings to people in the market to travel. Can you do this?" And the artist said "Sure." and the Travelocity Gnome was born.

38: Message T-shirts

The natural travel companion of the wacky hat is the message t-shirt. This is the tee that communicates something stupid (or, in gnome terms, "funny") to the onlooker. I suspect this is a gnomish sartorial prank perpetrated on unwary humans. You should know what you're getting into with a person who wears such things, although I do like this spin on the classic gnome "I'm With Stupid" tee shirt...

Yes, you certainly are, you damned gnome.

37: Spam

I can't be 100% certain if Spam is, in fact, crafted by gnomes (perhaps as a culinary prank inflicted on unsuspecting humanity), but there is something very intuitively gnomish about it.

The word itself, a fusion of other words, the senselessness of it, the gratuitous nature of it. And the product itself. Spam just seems like something a gnome would serve up to you, grinning slyly. Its whole "mystery meat" nature feels gnomish to me. Why eat real meat when you can crack open a can of Spam and nosh on that, instead? The fact that so many of the ad campaigns involved rhyming, too -- that also feels very gnomish to me, too.

36: Bagpipes

Maybe it's because of St. Patrick's Day looming, but I can't help but think that the bagpipe as a musical instrument evinces telltale qualities of gnomish engineering. The combination of quirkiness and gratuitous invention just seem terribly gnomish. And I say that as one who likes bagpipes, after a fashion, while at the same time knowing that only a gnome or a gnomish fellow traveler would invent them, let alone actually play them. And the noise they make, they seem tailor-made to piss off your enemies, which seems also very gnomish. I'm sure a gnome persuaded a Celt long ago that the bagpipe was a good thing, and away they went...

35: Lederhosen

Gnomes wear lederhosen. It is most definitely a gnome-influenced garment, intended to make humans look ridiculous. Not much more need be said about that. Lederhosen. *shaking head*

34: Paddle Ball

You know those paddle balls? The ones with the rubber ball attached to them by a length of rubber band? Gnomish. "It's fun!" these say, as if persuading themselves of it, or else trying to dupe a human mark into taking it up. And the little hole at the bottom of the handle seems a particularly sinister touch, like trying to get a "hole in one" with that being enough to drive a person crazy. Which is what the gnomes intended all along.

32: Devil Sticks

Ooh, what a scary name, right? Devil Sticks. Hippie Sticks. Phish Sticks, they might as well be.

The origins of devil sticks remain obscure. What is known is that many civilizations around the world were creating several types of devil sticks starting at some time over 3,500 years ago.

Obscure origin? Oh, we know where they came from: yet another gnomish invention inflicted upon humanity. Is the Devil a gnome? He just might be! For sure, the whole "idle hands are the Devil's playthings" saying applies where devil sticks are concerned. These are invariably trotted out at assorted jam-bandish gatherings, when you get a bunch of gnome wannabes embracing gnomish values while smoking copious amounts of gnomeweed. Just as reliable as the hacky-sackers and the jugglers and the unicyclers is the devil sticker...

31: Spork

I haven't yet ventured into gnomish cuisine (no worries -- I will get there, Gentle Reader), but before I do, it's vital to mention the spork, which is perhaps the most gnomish of eating utensils one could ever imagine. Not quite a spoon, not quite a fork, both, and neither -- such quizzically chimerical qualities are reflective of gnomish engineering at its finest.

First introduced in the late 19th Century, the spork is yet another bit of Victorian detritus foisted upon the rest of humanity, no doubt by an enterprising gnome. If you went on a field trip to Gnomeland, guaranteed they'd be eating with sporks, there. Even the word sounds stupid, makes you feel stupid for saying it. "Can you pass the sporks, Fizzle?"

You know what other utensils gnomes use at their table, besides the spork? The spife, the knork, and the sporf. Absolutely in the spirit of pointless innovation at the heart of gnomish values. But the spork is, and always will be, the flagship of gnomish cutlery, and so had to get the attention it deserves.

I'm not even dignifying the spork by putting a picture of it here. You know what it is. Avoid it.

25: Moustache Wax

Now, gnomes are known for their jaunty beards, so you might wonder why moustache wax might be classified among gnomish products, yes?

But, gentle reader, if you've been paying attention at all to this blog and its vital message, you must immediately divine the insidious and invidious nature of moustache wax as yet another example of a gnomish sentiment inflicted on humanity to make us look ridiculous. I'm not sure who first got the idea, whether it was a gnome playing a prank on a Victorian man on a slow day, or whether some Victorian saw a gnome with a dolled-up moustache and, in a fit of whimsy, slapped beeswax to his face and became the sartorial toast of London for a fortnight.

Not sure who to blame, precisely, except the obvious target: gnomes. If anybody is going to wax their moustaches, it's the damned gnomes.

I bring this up especially since hipsters out there have taken to wearing beards for a number of years, now, and so it's only a matter of time (and I'm sure they're doing it as I type this, and the hippest of them have "been doing it for years") before the moustache wax meme returns in spades.

I won't give any of those twits any press by showing their moustachioed creations, so I'll simply use the venerable Rollie Fingers as an exemplar of this gnomish product and facial hair trend, and because Rollie Fingers was doing this long before any of the hipsters today did it, looked far cooler doing it, and that likely will bother them.

23: El Camino

Yes, dear reader, the El Camino represents a high (or is it low?) point in gnomish automotive engineering. The more sensitive of you might protest: "How can a semi-infamous, semi-legendary muscle car, of all things, be gnomish? Do gnomes even drive muscle cars?" And my answer is simply this: if they did drive cars, gnomes would drive El Caminos.

The El Camino, by its very nature, embodies gnomish nonsensical design aesthetics -- is it a truck? Is it a car? Is it both? Is it neither? Is it all of these things, and, yet, is also less than those things, too? Why, yes.

It is an El Camino. The neither here-nor-there aspect of the El Camino is the "tell" that reveals the gnomish design sensibilities embedded in it. The El Camino is the gnome masquerading as a badass, which shows why the car design was such an odd and contradictory fit.

While not the only gnomish vehicle out there (again, the unicycle comes directly to mind), few cars have ever skated close to the aesthetic abyss that is gnomish design sensibilities like the El Camino. There are other gnomish automobiles out there, but I had to start with the Elvis Presley of gnomish wheels. "El Camino" literally means "The Path" or "The Way." And it surely guarantees that on the road to gnomish living, you will get there fastest driving one of these babies.

22: Slide Whistle

The slide whistle, and its bigger (arguably classier) sibling, the trombone, are gnomish instruments. I wanted to go with the basic form of the instrument, the most gnomish, so I defaulted to the slide whistle. It's impossible to even think of a slide whistle without that annoying, lilting sound of it coming to mind. Just in case you need some kind of ghastly, tooth-gnashingly grating reminder of it, here's a gnomish woman playing it (be sure to see her drop into a gnomish falsetto at the end of this piece, no doubt compelled by the playing of the slide whistle)...

21: Accordion

Oh, yes. You knew it had to make an appearance. The accordion's one-man band capacity alone makes it prime fodder as an instrument of gnomish torture -- errr, musical expression. And the presence of a bellows, buttons, keys, and valves is simply intoxicating to the average gnome. It's very easy to imagine a group of gnomes jamming on their accordions, and tricking humanity into taking up the instrument and, naturally, looking (and sounding) ridiculous. Even pro-accordion propaganda can't dent the stupidity of it...

"Tom" is only able to impress the ladies because the electric guitar hasn't been invented, yet. Nothing like the fun of an accordion, Tom? How about sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll? Your days are numbered, gnomish sycophant!

19: Hurdy-Gurdy

The hurdy-gurdy manages a doubleshot of gnomishness -- ridiculous in name and in conception, gleefully eccentric, pointlessly innovative and affectedly whimsical. It is, without a doubt, a gnomish musical instrument foisted on innocent humanity, long ago, and now the province of loons and hipsters.

The coolest thing about the hurdy-gurdy is Donovan's psychedelic tune, "Hurdy Gurdy Man," but beyond that, this contraption has little proper place with humanity, and has everything to do with gnomes, and their invidious agenda.

For example, look at this poor waif of a girl (left) when she first receives her hurdy-gurdy. Just a whey-faced lass with grand drems of making it in a difficult and dangerous world, grateful for this gnomish gift given to her by the twinkly-eyed tinker who came to town. "Why, sure, Donatella! You can make a fortune with this yonder hurdy-gurdy! You can grind away happy little tunes that villagers will dance to, tossing stray coppers at your feet like they were junebugs flitting from fields of barley on a summer's day!"

I'll add the word to the list of gnomish vocabulary words, for surely the hurdy-gurdy eminently qualifies for inclusion, both as a word and as a musical instrument...

hur·dy–gur·dy

Pronunciation: \ˌhər-dē-ˈgər-dē, ˈhər-dē-ˌ\

Function: noun

Inflected Form(s): plural hur·dy–gurdies

Etymology: probably imitative

Date: 1749

1 : a stringed instrument in which sound is produced by the friction of a rosined wheel turned by a crank against the strings and the pitches are varied by keys
2 : any of various mechanical musical instruments (as the barrel organ)

Look what happens to that same girl, just a few years later, as she's ground her life away on the rosin-dusted wheel of the pernicious, gnomish hurdy-gurdy (below). Hopes and dreams turned to dust and ash, blind, bald, bearded, slack-jawed, hopeless, yet still spinning her hurdy-gurdy wheel, vainly, desperately hoping that gnomish gift will bring her that promised paydirt.

A lesson to us all: Beware of gnomes bearing gifts, for they will only bring doom to feckless, hapless humanity.

16: Unicycle

Since the Vancouver Olympics has me thinking of sportish things for the moment, don't be surprised if I throw out a few more gnomish sporty items. Like the unicycle. Once again, like the most terribly gnomish of devices and contraptions, the mere invocation of it prompts a "Yes, of course" kind of reaction in the gentle reader.

"Ooh, look at me! I may be unbalanced, but no one can doubt my sense of balance! Hoo hoo! Ha ha! Hee hee! Look at me go! I'm on a unicycle! Tra la la lee!"

While the unicycle is surely the Cadillac of gnomish wheeled contraptions, any affectedly eccentric set of wheels runs the risk of being gnomish. Even if a pint-sized gnome couldn't even reach the peddles of such a bike, they'd sure want to, and would have a great, braying brass horn on their bike, too, just to be more annoying.

Note that wearing a wacky hat and juggling while riding a unicycle while playing a kazoo is surely gnomish heaven right there, and any individual doing this is a gnome.