Benny Hill was a damned gnome. He even looked like one. Just pop a beard on him and a pointy hat, and there you have it. I'm not going to do an in-depth analysis of the wit and wisdom of Benny Hill. He was a gnome. I mean, the theme music ("Yakety Sax" -- a gnome-name for a gnome theme if ever there was one) alone for his damned show might as well be the National Anthem of the Gnome Nation...
I seriously can't hear that theme song without wanting to smash something. And imagining a bunch of gnomes cavorting to it makes me want to smash even more things.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Sign of the Times?
A gentle reader just sent me this late-breaking link...
The question is, is this man, in fact, a fellow traveler of gnomedom? Did the Great Gnomish Conspiracy lead to this sign's removal, in an effort to obscure his gnomishness? Or was it simply riffing on his height? One can only wonder, but we'll see how and if this story develops.
The question is, is this man, in fact, a fellow traveler of gnomedom? Did the Great Gnomish Conspiracy lead to this sign's removal, in an effort to obscure his gnomishness? Or was it simply riffing on his height? One can only wonder, but we'll see how and if this story develops.
Theatre posters proclaiming 'We await you, merry gnome' were taken down from a Russian town shortly before a visit by the country's diminutive president, according to a local website.Now, I should point out that, at 5'4", Medvedev is far taller than even the tallest of gnomes. So, clearly, the Russians are having a bit of sport at his expense. Still, you can see that whoever posted the sign is at least aware of how annoying gnomes are, with the tartly-rendered "merry gnome" comment.
25: Moustache Wax
Now, gnomes are known for their jaunty beards, so you might wonder why moustache wax might be classified among gnomish products, yes?
But, gentle reader, if you've been paying attention at all to this blog and its vital message, you must immediately divine the insidious and invidious nature of moustache wax as yet another example of a gnomish sentiment inflicted on humanity to make us look ridiculous. I'm not sure who first got the idea, whether it was a gnome playing a prank on a Victorian man on a slow day, or whether some Victorian saw a gnome with a dolled-up moustache and, in a fit of whimsy, slapped beeswax to his face and became the sartorial toast of London for a fortnight.
Not sure who to blame, precisely, except the obvious target: gnomes. If anybody is going to wax their moustaches, it's the damned gnomes.
I bring this up especially since hipsters out there have taken to wearing beards for a number of years, now, and so it's only a matter of time (and I'm sure they're doing it as I type this, and the hippest of them have "been doing it for years") before the moustache wax meme returns in spades.
I won't give any of those twits any press by showing their moustachioed creations, so I'll simply use the venerable Rollie Fingers as an exemplar of this gnomish product and facial hair trend, and because Rollie Fingers was doing this long before any of the hipsters today did it, looked far cooler doing it, and that likely will bother them.
But, gentle reader, if you've been paying attention at all to this blog and its vital message, you must immediately divine the insidious and invidious nature of moustache wax as yet another example of a gnomish sentiment inflicted on humanity to make us look ridiculous. I'm not sure who first got the idea, whether it was a gnome playing a prank on a Victorian man on a slow day, or whether some Victorian saw a gnome with a dolled-up moustache and, in a fit of whimsy, slapped beeswax to his face and became the sartorial toast of London for a fortnight.
Not sure who to blame, precisely, except the obvious target: gnomes. If anybody is going to wax their moustaches, it's the damned gnomes.
I bring this up especially since hipsters out there have taken to wearing beards for a number of years, now, and so it's only a matter of time (and I'm sure they're doing it as I type this, and the hippest of them have "been doing it for years") before the moustache wax meme returns in spades.
I won't give any of those twits any press by showing their moustachioed creations, so I'll simply use the venerable Rollie Fingers as an exemplar of this gnomish product and facial hair trend, and because Rollie Fingers was doing this long before any of the hipsters today did it, looked far cooler doing it, and that likely will bother them.
GWD: Higgledy-Piggledy
You may have noticed that I sometimes do more than one Gnomish Word of the Day (GWD). That's right. It's deliberate. Because it's gnomish to be capricious that way. Some days there may be only one GWD. Some days there may be four. You can never really know. And that's exactly what makes gnomes so fucking creepy, them being all higgledy-piggledy!
hig·gle·dy–pig·gle·dy
Origin unknown, yet hearkening to the 16th century? Gnomes. You can almost see their curly-toed shoe tracks on this one.
hig·gle·dy–pig·gle·dy
Pronunciation: \ˌhi-gəl-dē-ˈpi-gəl-dē\
Function: adverb
Etymology: origin unknown
Date: 1598
: in a confused, disordered, or random manner
— higgledy–piggledy adjective
Origin unknown, yet hearkening to the 16th century? Gnomes. You can almost see their curly-toed shoe tracks on this one.
24: Miniature Golf
Miniature golf is completely gnomish. Not that golf even really needed to be more ridiculous an activity than it already is, leave it to gnomes to come up with a way of making it so. It's hard to divine gnomish thinking on this, whether it was conceived as a deliberate insult to the Scottish people, or what, exactly, they had in mind with it. But miniature golf (and any golf gnomes would play must, by their very stature, be miniature golf, no?) is completely gnomish. It's perhaps marginally less baneful than other gnomish recreations, but the spirit of pointless innovation and kitschy whimsy (to say nothing of the waste of time it represents) that infects it is, as ever, a warning of gnomish machinations on mankind.
Note, it's curious to read one of the founding legends of miniature golf:
Note the use of opium and the original name of "crazy golf" in the mix -- gnomish fingerprints on this activity! So, go ahead, play some virtual miniature golf. Time well spent! Make some gnomes happy, why don't you?
Note, it's curious to read one of the founding legends of miniature golf:
The story goes that while on opium a group of men were playing a round of golf. They noticed that the extra objects (hallucinations) were getting in their way while trying to get to the green. After thinking on this for a while they came to the conclusion that this could be the base idea for a new version of golf. The name "crazy golf" is also supposed to come from this story. After the invention of crazy golf it became generally acceptable for women to play the game as it was not as masculine in nature as the original.
Note the use of opium and the original name of "crazy golf" in the mix -- gnomish fingerprints on this activity! So, go ahead, play some virtual miniature golf. Time well spent! Make some gnomes happy, why don't you?
GWD: Topsy-Turvy
You know I'm not done with gnomish hyphenated nonsense compounds yet, yes? It seems that there was a lot of gnomish influence on human language in the 16th century...
top·sy–tur·vy
Pronunciation: \ˌtäp-sē-ˈtər-vē\
Plenty more where that came from.
And, once again, you can see that gnomes are fond of causing confusion and delay.
top·sy–tur·vy
Pronunciation: \ˌtäp-sē-ˈtər-vē\
Function: adverb
Etymology: probably ultimately from tops (plural of 1top) + obsolete English terve to turn upside down
Date: 1528
1 : in utter confusion or disorder
2 : with the top or head downward : upside down
Plenty more where that came from.
And, once again, you can see that gnomes are fond of causing confusion and delay.
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