4: Kazoos

One of the most well-known of gnomish musical instruments is the kazoo. Few instruments better embody the spirit of gnomish pointless whimsy quite like a good old-fashioned kazoo.

In fact, even the word "kazoo" is fucking gnomish (for the wordsmiths out there, the word originated in 1884, so we have the Victorians to blame for the goddamned kazoo).

Aren't they fun? Aren't they wacky? Kazoos for everybody! I think waterboarding is not necessary to break a terrorist -- you want them to break? Play kazoos at them for a few hours. THAT will break them.

And if you really, really want to annoy them, why not "talk" with a kazoo in your mouth? Can you imagine interrogating somebody doing "Kazoo Speak?" It'll confuse and infuriate them in short order, and they will break. No need for leg-breaking or forced posture positions or any of that so-called "Torture Lite." Just ship a box of kazoos to the interrogators and let them use them on the detainees (are we allowed to call them "prisoners" anymore?) and watch them break before the musical mimsy-whimsy that is the kazoo.

This clip more than amply demonstrates the torture potential of kazoos...



Oh, how wacky! Seriously, it makes the hair on my arms stand up.