50: PLANTS VS. ZOMBIES: BATTLE FOR NEIGHBORVILLE

The PLANTS VS. ZOMBIES video game franchise offers a curious insight into the gnomish agenda -- specifically, its BATTLE FOR NEIGHBORVILLE game, which reveals the gnomes to be behind-the-scenes menaces the players have to deal with. I'm not going to recount the game -- you can look it up yourself, but there are a number of gnome-related obstacles and bosses you have to deal with in the game, including:

• Sir Biff
• Sir Boff
• Sir Baff

There's also a Shooty Gnome, a Shieldy Gnome, an Explody Gnome, and other diabolical gnome-related threats. There are various underground lairs with gnomish architectural designs in them, and assorted golden gnomes you have to collect. I'll give credit to the game designers that they make it clear that the gnomes are foes you have to face and overcome, which is a moral lesson everyone should take with them. Beware of gnomes.

These gnomes mean you harm.

49: The Legend of Vox Machina

I don't know if you've caught The Legend of Vox Machina on Prime, but it's basically a Dungeons & Dragons-style fantasy show. It's an entertainingly animated series that definitely gets to all manner of RPG-gamer foibles in the course of its characters' (mis)adventures. But I have to mention it on this blog because there are a couple of gnomes on the show, or characters we're to believe are gnomes, specifically:

Pike Trickfoot, a gnomish cleric

I mean, that's a gnomish name if there ever was one. And, of course,

Scanlan Shorthalt, a gnomish bard

Where to begin with these two? First off, it's clearly part of the gnomish agenda to have not one, but two gnomish characters in the story. I mean, why couldn't Pike Trickfoot have been a dwarvish cleric? Nope. She's a gnome. Dwarves should be peevish that they were excised from this type of story, since everyone knows dwarves are integrally part of Dungeons & Dragons.

Second, both of these gnomes are made terribly cute -- I mean, we're to believe that Pike's a Deep Gnome? C'mon, now. No way. You want to see what a Deep Gnome actually looks like, Gentle Reader? Brace yourself.

But, no, this is Pike...

"I'm Pike Trickfoot. Please adore me."

She's adorable. So cute! I guess they gave her the scar to, I dunno, make her seem more earthy. Not sure. Pike's the ultra-earnest Lawful Good-style character in the series, appropriately enough, as she's the cleric, stuck with healing everyone. Deep Gnome? I disbelieve.

And then there's Scanlan, the rampant and ribald gnome cocksman, who looks like, hmm, a Halfling or even a Kender, for god's sake (if you know, you know). 

"Hey, I'm Scanlan. Fancy a shag?"

A gnome? Just stop. NFW is glamour-boy Scanlan anywhere near a classical gnome. He's basically the comic relief character with heart, who'll apparently shag literally anyone and anything at any time -- no doubt wish fulfillment on the part of lecherous gnomes. Further, he has powers akin to, hell, Green Lantern (or, at the very least, Star Sapphire), which is way beyond anything I've ever seen a bard do. I guess they did that so he wouldn't be completely useless.

Now, maybe, maybe, the gnomish facility with illusion could account for Scanlan's pretty boy persona. Maybe. Maybe once the illusion lifts, it's revealed that he's a plain old gnome. However, they introduced a subplot around Kaylie, Scanlan's daughter from one of his many dalliances, and she looks like a gap-toothed double of her father, so clearly Scanlan's not actually using illusions to pretty himself up. I guess the showrunners were worried that there weren't enough gnomes in the show, so they tossed in another, gave her a Baskin-Robbins ice cream sploosh of hair, but otherwise, made her look as un-gnomelike as Pike and Scanlan:

"Oh, hey, Dad. There's no place like gnome."

If that wasn't enough, then they're busy trying to ship Pike (the good girl) and Scanlan (the bad boy) throughout the series, so we get to deal with that, too. Two "gnomes" playing a cat-and-mouse relationship game amid the rest of everything going on.

This is gnomish propaganda at work at a level that's difficult to imagine. I haven't tracked audience sentiment surrounding these characters, but I can't be the only old-school gamer who's flummoxed at these resolutely non-gnomish gnomes. Clearly, the gnomish underground is hard at work messing with people's minds about gnomes.

You know why they did it? Because if they portrayed them as actual gnomes, people would have gone crazy with irritation -- they couldn't make them actual gnomes, so they came up with these non-gnome "gnomes" as the only way they could run with the characters in the series.

I've said enough, you get the point. And just in case it's still not enough, I'll leave you with a song and montage sequence by Pike and Scanlan.

GWD: Snickerdoodle

The snickerdoodle embodies an aspect of gnomish wordsmithing coupled with cuisine. Is it an insidious effort on the part of gnomes to win people over through cookies? One can only wonder, but the word embodies gnomish syntax, first used in 1889, perhaps of German origin (although, like all things gnomish, this is uncertain, as you can see below). 

snick·er·doo·dle
n. of  uncertain origin

cookie made with butter, sugar, and flour that is rolled in cinnamon sugar before baking

The gnomish word-perversity is apparent in taking what's effectively a sugar cookie and giving it a name like "snickerdoodle" to convey a perhaps unearned degree of whimsy (again, always integral to the gnomish agenda).

Interestingly, Wikipedia offers some clues about the etymology of the word -- do note the bit about the "simple or foolish fellow" and "simply a nonsense word with no particular meaning" -- that's a smoking gnome gun, if you ask me.

48: One-Man Bands

Hah! You thought the gnomes had gotten to me, didn't you, Gentle Reader? I know it's been quite awhile. I mean, I haven't posted since 2015! No doubt the Gnomish Agenda has advanced in the past eight years. Well, I'm still here, and I'm still loathing gnomes.

To that end, a definite gnomish thing is the concept of the one-man band. I'm not talking Nine Inch Nails, here (not gnomish, despite being a one-man band), but, rather, those hapless souls you might see performing at festivals and street fairs, trying to do what, exactly? Make beautiful music? Impress tourists with their industriously brazen moxie? I don't know.

I have a pet theory around the existence of one-man bands: these are human males (overwhelmingly human males) who have been apparently cursed by the Gnomish underground to make fools of themselves in this fashion. 

Is it a life sentence? Do one-man bands do this for their entire lives? Or until they hurl themselves off bridges? I'm not sure, but there are few contraptions (?) more resolutely gnomish than the one-man band.

The next time you're at a street festival or fair, or in any kind of public setting and you see a one-man band performing, know that this poor soul has been cursed by gnomes.

Or, perhaps worse, they're gnomish-adjacent madmen who aspire toward gnomedom.

47: Carry Me Gnome

What, Gentle Reader? Did you think there wasn't anything else gnome-related to share? Oh, no. I give you the Carry Me Gnome novelty costume:

Now you can have the opportunity to horrify/bemuse/terrify your friends by making it appear that you are being carted around by a frickin' dead-eyed gnome. Why? Because gnomes, of course. Whimsy! Silliness. Insanity!

While it might otherwise seem that Mankind has the edge on this one over the dreaded gnomes, I would argue that the gnomes are the ones who are getting the last laugh, here, by making an utter fool out of whomever donned this costume. And it's jarring to see that the costume is sold out, so clearly, many took the bait, and fell into the trap cunningly laid by the gnomes.

CB2 Appears to Be a Gnomish Front Organization

I just thought I'd mention that in addition to the Gnome Terrarium and the Disco Gnome, it appears that CB2 is offering two other gnome-related products:

Gustav, the Glossy Gnome

Here's what they say:

Gnome home. Gustav keeps your garden growing with a fun wink of folklore and whimsy. Standing nearly a foot-and-a-half tall, this earthenware figure is glazed glossy white with a mystical beard and twinkling eyes.

I am Gustav. Let me into your garden, Human.

And

The Gnome Table Lamp

Glow gnome. Folkloric friend lights up the room with a wink of whimsy in gleaming metallic copper. Cast in polyresin, sculptural gnome glows from mythical beard to tunic to boots, illuminated beneath a white linen shade.

I am watching everything you do, Human.

The folkloric friend has returned, full of winking whimsy. You have been warned.

Gnome Terrarium

Oh, and I almost forgot, CB2 offers a Gnome Terrarium (on clearance, no less). As they say in their writeup (notice that they say that the accessories will vary; as with anything Gnomish, capriciousness is a given):

Enchanted garden. Grow green with a mini folkloric friend. Easy-to-use kit comes with everything you need to create a tiny terrarium, including a mason jar with daisy cutout lid for aeration, soil, moss, colored rocks, fabric flower—and most importantly, a trusty gnome and tiny accessory to tend the garden. Gnome-sized accessories will vary, but could include a wee wheelbarrow, watering pail or pick axe. Just add the plant of your choice.

"Trusty Gnome" -- those are two words that should never be paired, if you ask me. If it weren't for the sake of the plant you'd put inside, I'd suggest not using the daisy cutout lid for aeration, and consider it a Gnome Disposal Jar, but that's just me.

On the other hand, it's useful as a Gnome Containment Unit, if you want to be sure the Gnome cannot effectively escape its wee prison.

Most Gnomish Sentence At This Moment In Time

Okay, brace yourselves: I'm about to attempt to write the most Gnomish sentence in human history. It's an act of rebellion, if you will, against the Gnomish agenda.

I don't know what kind of fuddy-duddy bugaboo you think I am, spouting gobbledygook and claptrap as I dillydally about doohickies and gewgaws and flibbertigibbets and doodads, but before you think there's any hanky-panky here giving you the heebie-jeebies, I'd have you know that there's no rinky-dink hocus pocus or flim-flam here. Rather than being some hoity-toity hugger-mugger out to razzle-dazzle you with some humdrum, higgledy-piggledy, topsy-turvy whatchamacallit, I'd also have you know that everything's hunky-dory as I lollygag about with my itsy-bitsy hurdy-gurdy, a knickknack thingamajig I hornswoggled from some roly-poly riffraff willy-nilly, while he was shilly-shallying about the place, looking for this mumbo jumbo thingamajig he'd lost pell-mell. Well, I tell you, there was some hurly-burly as I got out of there in my itty-bitty, razzmatazz jalopy, before helter-skelter came down upon my pointy hat.

And there you have it. It's best said with an accent, whether Cockney or Southern, and, ideally, is said while you're sitting on a mushroom, but it captures the irreducible essence of Gnomethink.

Noam Chomsky Gnome

I'm frankly flabbergasted it's taken this long for somebody to engineer it, but there's now a Noam Chomsky Gnome, available for purchase (out of stock, curiously, so there are either acolytes of Professor Chomsky out there who had to have it, or else Gnomish agents busy acquiring them). Maybe the gnomes have gotten to Chomsky. I'm not entirely sure.

GWD: Cockamamie

There are a handful of gnomish words that I had meant to post here but had neglected, but I was flabbergasted (!) to see that I'd omitted cockamamie! Which is, interestingly, an American word, which again points to gnomish incursions in the United States.

cock·a·ma·mie
adjective North American informal

ridiculous; implausible "a cockamamie theory"

GWD: Flabbergast

The gnomes haven't done away with me just yet. No doubt they're stuffing their corncob pipes from the warm shelter of their well-hidden mushroom warrens. It occurred to me the other day that not only had it been awhile since I'd posted, but that I'd neglected a key gnomish word, and, well, let's just say I was flabbergasted (see what I did there?)

flab·ber·gast 
ˈflabərˌɡast/ verb informal

surprise (someone) greatly; astonish. "this news has left me totally flabbergasted"

Disco Gnome?

Did you think the Gnomes got to me? That I'd been spirited away by a gang of gnomes? No, Gentle Reader. I'm still here. And I'm still maintaining my vigil of all things gnomish. Behold, from CB2:

The Disco Gnome

Pairing the glam whimsy of a disco ball with the furtive, earthy machinations of the garden gnome, they have spawned the Disco Gnome.

I admit to almost being tempted by this particular bit of bric-a-brac, because everybody's better with mirrors festooned across it.

Still, I am wary, because, like all things gnomish, this is something laden with peril and mystery. Incidentally, it appears that this gnome is nicknamed "Bling Bling," fittingly enough...

Gnomes Crash Garden Party

You probably thought I'd stopped paying attention to the Gnomes and their agenda, didn't you? But I'm always watching, you little bastards...

Gnomes Crash Distinguished Garden Party