GWD: Shilly-Shally

You thought I had run out of nonsense hyphenated compounds? Not yet! And, as ever, the gnomish values of sowing confusion and uncertainty among human ranks remain intact with this word, as with so many of the others. This one is particularly egregious, since it sounds like you're drunkenly saying your friend Sally is being silly...

shilly–shally

Pronunciation: \ˈshi-lē-ˌsha-lē\

Function: adverb

Etymology: irregular reduplication of shall I

Date: 1700

: in an irresolute, undecided, or hesitating manner

38: Message T-shirts

The natural travel companion of the wacky hat is the message t-shirt. This is the tee that communicates something stupid (or, in gnome terms, "funny") to the onlooker. I suspect this is a gnomish sartorial prank perpetrated on unwary humans. You should know what you're getting into with a person who wears such things, although I do like this spin on the classic gnome "I'm With Stupid" tee shirt...

Yes, you certainly are, you damned gnome.

37: Spam

I can't be 100% certain if Spam is, in fact, crafted by gnomes (perhaps as a culinary prank inflicted on unsuspecting humanity), but there is something very intuitively gnomish about it.

The word itself, a fusion of other words, the senselessness of it, the gratuitous nature of it. And the product itself. Spam just seems like something a gnome would serve up to you, grinning slyly. Its whole "mystery meat" nature feels gnomish to me. Why eat real meat when you can crack open a can of Spam and nosh on that, instead? The fact that so many of the ad campaigns involved rhyming, too -- that also feels very gnomish to me, too.

Leprechauns: Are they gnomes?

Just in time for St. Patrick's Day, a mystery: are leprechauns gnomes? They are typically classed as a type of fairy, but they run perilously close to being gnomes -- goofy hats, often unaccountably and pointlessly jolly, impish senses of humor, trickster natures, a keen sense of mischief, and a desire to pull a fast one on humanity.

Some of the classic representations of them make me think maybe they are, in fact, gnomes. I mean, if you didn't know this was a leprechaun, you surely might mistake him for a gnome, no?

The "Leprechaun" movies certainly tried to warn people of the dire threat leprechauns posed humanity.

I don't know whether they are gnomes, or are merely Celtic cousins of gnomes, or are entirely unrelated. Certainly if you put Tinkerbell, a gnome, and a leprechaun in a lineup, most Gentle Readers would be hard-pressed to lump the leprechaun on the pixie side of the equation, toward Tinkerbell -- rather, the leprechaun would caucus with the gnome.

36: Bagpipes

Maybe it's because of St. Patrick's Day looming, but I can't help but think that the bagpipe as a musical instrument evinces telltale qualities of gnomish engineering. The combination of quirkiness and gratuitous invention just seem terribly gnomish. And I say that as one who likes bagpipes, after a fashion, while at the same time knowing that only a gnome or a gnomish fellow traveler would invent them, let alone actually play them. And the noise they make, they seem tailor-made to piss off your enemies, which seems also very gnomish. I'm sure a gnome persuaded a Celt long ago that the bagpipe was a good thing, and away they went...

GWD: Riffraff

Again, they might take away the hyphen, but the pattern remains: gnomespeak. Gnomish riffraff with their word-wankery.

riff·raff

Pronunciation: \ˈrif-ˌraf\

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English ryffe raffe, from rif and raf every single one, from Anglo-French rif e raf altogether

Date: 15th century

1 a : disreputable persons b : rabble c : one of the riffraff
2 : refuse, rubbish

— riffraff adjective

35: Lederhosen

Gnomes wear lederhosen. It is most definitely a gnome-influenced garment, intended to make humans look ridiculous. Not much more need be said about that. Lederhosen. *shaking head*

GWD: Hocus Pocus

Gnomes are masters of hocus pocus. You have been warned! And notice the tie-in with juggling? Coincidence? I think NOT!

ho·cus–po·cus

Pronunciation: \ˌhō-kəs-ˈpō-kəs\

Function: noun

Etymology: probably from hocus pocus, imitation Latin phrase used by jugglers

Date: 1647

1 : sleight of hand
2 : nonsense or sham used especially to cloak deception

GWD: Mumbo Jumbo

While this one has some provenance, it is squarely in the gnomish linguistic set, embodying gnomish values (especially meanings 2 and 3)...

mum·bo jum·bo

Pronunciation: \ˌməm-bō-ˈjəm-(ˌ)bō\

Function: noun

Etymology: Mumbo Jumbo, a masked figure among Mandingo peoples of western Africa

Date: 1738

1 : an object of superstitious homage and fear
2 a : a complicated often ritualistic observance with elaborate trappings b : complicated activity or language usually intended to obscure and confuse
3 : unnecessarily involved and incomprehensible language : gibberish
4 : language, behavior, or beliefs based on superstition

34: Paddle Ball

You know those paddle balls? The ones with the rubber ball attached to them by a length of rubber band? Gnomish. "It's fun!" these say, as if persuading themselves of it, or else trying to dupe a human mark into taking it up. And the little hole at the bottom of the handle seems a particularly sinister touch, like trying to get a "hole in one" with that being enough to drive a person crazy. Which is what the gnomes intended all along.

GWD: Itty-Bitty

In addition to being roly-poly, gnomes are itty-bitty. They are itsy-bitsy, too, while we're at it. This one's a latecomer to gnomespeak, but holds to the conventions of the language.

it·ty–bit·ty
Pronunciation: \ˈi-tē-ˈbi-tē\

Variant(s): or it·sy–bit·sy \ˈit-sē-ˈbit-sē\

Function: adjective

Etymology: probably from baby talk for little bit

Date: 1938

: extremely small : tiny

33: Cup Stacking

I refuse to call it "Sport Stacking." Refuse. You're stacking cups. Quickly. You're not reading, or enjoying sunshine or romance or anything. You're stacking cups. Quickly. Cup stacking seems like a "stupid kid" pastime -- the handheld version of Hungry Hungry Hippos, basically. I can't help but think that it's priming a generation of kids to be ace dishwashers. Or adroit street hucksters out to flim-flam unfortunate marks -- and that's the gnomish agenda laid bare in cup stacking. You stacked some fucking cups. Quickly. Good for you. Somewhere, you've made a gaggle of gnomes very proud.



Seeing shit like this makes me wish that these kids would take up more productive hobbies, like, I dunno, drugs.

GWD: Roly-Poly

You probably thought I'd finished with the gnomish hyphenated nonsense words, didn't you? Not by a longshot! This one is particularly useful because it actually describes the gnomish physique rather nicely...

ro·ly–po·ly

Pronunciation: \ˌrō-lē-ˈpō-lē\

Function: adjective

Etymology: reduplication of roly, from ²roll

Date: 1820

: being short and pudgy : rotund