49: The Legend of Vox Machina

I don't know if you've caught The Legend of Vox Machina on Prime, but it's basically a Dungeons & Dragons-style fantasy show. It's an entertainingly animated series that definitely gets to all manner of RPG-gamer foibles in the course of its characters' (mis)adventures. But I have to mention it on this blog because there are a couple of gnomes on the show, or characters we're to believe are gnomes, specifically:

Pike Trickfoot, a gnomish cleric

I mean, that's a gnomish name if there ever was one. And, of course,

Scanlan Shorthalt, a gnomish bard

Where to begin with these two? First off, it's clearly part of the gnomish agenda to have not one, but two gnomish characters in the story. I mean, why couldn't Pike Trickfoot have been a dwarvish cleric? Nope. She's a gnome. Dwarves should be peevish that they were excised from this type of story, since everyone knows dwarves are integrally part of Dungeons & Dragons.

Second, both of these gnomes are made terribly cute -- I mean, we're to believe that Pike's a Deep Gnome? C'mon, now. No way. You want to see what a Deep Gnome actually looks like, Gentle Reader? Brace yourself.

But, no, this is Pike...

"I'm Pike Trickfoot. Please adore me."

She's adorable. So cute! I guess they gave her the scar to, I dunno, make her seem more earthy. Not sure. Pike's the ultra-earnest Lawful Good-style character in the series, appropriately enough, as she's the cleric, stuck with healing everyone. Deep Gnome? I disbelieve.

And then there's Scanlan, the rampant and ribald gnome cocksman, who looks like, hmm, a Halfling or even a Kender, for god's sake (if you know, you know). 

"Hey, I'm Scanlan. Fancy a shag?"

A gnome? Just stop. NFW is glamour-boy Scanlan anywhere near a classical gnome. He's basically the comic relief character with heart, who'll apparently shag literally anyone and anything at any time -- no doubt wish fulfillment on the part of lecherous gnomes. Further, he has powers akin to, hell, Green Lantern (or, at the very least, Star Sapphire), which is way beyond anything I've ever seen a bard do. I guess they did that so he wouldn't be completely useless.

Now, maybe, maybe, the gnomish facility with illusion could account for Scanlan's pretty boy persona. Maybe. Maybe once the illusion lifts, it's revealed that he's a plain old gnome. However, they introduced a subplot around Kaylie, Scanlan's daughter from one of his many dalliances, and she looks like a gap-toothed double of her father, so clearly Scanlan's not actually using illusions to pretty himself up. I guess the showrunners were worried that there weren't enough gnomes in the show, so they tossed in another, gave her a Baskin-Robbins ice cream sploosh of hair, but otherwise, made her look as un-gnomelike as Pike and Scanlan:

"Oh, hey, Dad. There's no place like gnome."

If that wasn't enough, then they're busy trying to ship Pike (the good girl) and Scanlan (the bad boy) throughout the series, so we get to deal with that, too. Two "gnomes" playing a cat-and-mouse relationship game amid the rest of everything going on.

This is gnomish propaganda at work at a level that's difficult to imagine. I haven't tracked audience sentiment surrounding these characters, but I can't be the only old-school gamer who's flummoxed at these resolutely non-gnomish gnomes. Clearly, the gnomish underground is hard at work messing with people's minds about gnomes.

You know why they did it? Because if they portrayed them as actual gnomes, people would have gone crazy with irritation -- they couldn't make them actual gnomes, so they came up with these non-gnome "gnomes" as the only way they could run with the characters in the series.

I've said enough, you get the point. And just in case it's still not enough, I'll leave you with a song and montage sequence by Pike and Scanlan.

GWD: Snickerdoodle

The snickerdoodle embodies an aspect of gnomish wordsmithing coupled with cuisine. Is it an insidious effort on the part of gnomes to win people over through cookies? One can only wonder, but the word embodies gnomish syntax, first used in 1889, perhaps of German origin (although, like all things gnomish, this is uncertain, as you can see below). 

snick·er·doo·dle
n. of  uncertain origin

cookie made with butter, sugar, and flour that is rolled in cinnamon sugar before baking

The gnomish word-perversity is apparent in taking what's effectively a sugar cookie and giving it a name like "snickerdoodle" to convey a perhaps unearned degree of whimsy (again, always integral to the gnomish agenda).

Interestingly, Wikipedia offers some clues about the etymology of the word -- do note the bit about the "simple or foolish fellow" and "simply a nonsense word with no particular meaning" -- that's a smoking gnome gun, if you ask me.

48: One-Man Bands

Hah! You thought the gnomes had gotten to me, didn't you, Gentle Reader? I know it's been quite awhile. I mean, I haven't posted since 2015! No doubt the Gnomish Agenda has advanced in the past eight years. Well, I'm still here, and I'm still loathing gnomes.

To that end, a definite gnomish thing is the concept of the one-man band. I'm not talking Nine Inch Nails, here (not gnomish, despite being a one-man band), but, rather, those hapless souls you might see performing at festivals and street fairs, trying to do what, exactly? Make beautiful music? Impress tourists with their industriously brazen moxie? I don't know.

I have a pet theory around the existence of one-man bands: these are human males (overwhelmingly human males) who have been apparently cursed by the Gnomish underground to make fools of themselves in this fashion. 

Is it a life sentence? Do one-man bands do this for their entire lives? Or until they hurl themselves off bridges? I'm not sure, but there are few contraptions (?) more resolutely gnomish than the one-man band.

The next time you're at a street festival or fair, or in any kind of public setting and you see a one-man band performing, know that this poor soul has been cursed by gnomes.

Or, perhaps worse, they're gnomish-adjacent madmen who aspire toward gnomedom.