17: Lewis Carroll

"Twinkle, twinkle little bat How I wonder what you're at! Up above the world you fly, Like a tea-tray in the sky."

-- Lewis Carroll

Of course Lewis Carroll, the Vidkun Quisling of the gnomish agenda, out to betray humanity to the gnomes with his nonsense poetry and creepy, insane tales of Alice, must be numbered among gnomes and/or gnomish sycophants. Like nails traveling down the chalkboard of reason, he was, at least to me.

There's certainly a Cult of Carroll that embraces his mad whimsy as somehow expressive and freeing and fun, but I find his work irritating and creepy and unsettling.

Oh, and the missing diary entries for young Lewis, whatever could they be? His descendants with dustpans, cleaning up his messes, yes? Can't leave those scraps behind for the Snark to gobble up, now can we?

Carroll was a whimsical creep and a certifiable loon, which makes him certainly an A-lister among the gnomish saints. More Victorian baggage, perhaps part of the dark underbelly of Victorian social mores. Fortunately, that kind of nutballery has less currency than it once did.

Guaranteed that a fan of Carroll is a gnome, or a fellow traveler of gnomedom, or, at the very least, a pretentious eccentric.

16: Unicycle

Since the Vancouver Olympics has me thinking of sportish things for the moment, don't be surprised if I throw out a few more gnomish sporty items. Like the unicycle. Once again, like the most terribly gnomish of devices and contraptions, the mere invocation of it prompts a "Yes, of course" kind of reaction in the gentle reader.

"Ooh, look at me! I may be unbalanced, but no one can doubt my sense of balance! Hoo hoo! Ha ha! Hee hee! Look at me go! I'm on a unicycle! Tra la la lee!"

While the unicycle is surely the Cadillac of gnomish wheeled contraptions, any affectedly eccentric set of wheels runs the risk of being gnomish. Even if a pint-sized gnome couldn't even reach the peddles of such a bike, they'd sure want to, and would have a great, braying brass horn on their bike, too, just to be more annoying.

Note that wearing a wacky hat and juggling while riding a unicycle while playing a kazoo is surely gnomish heaven right there, and any individual doing this is a gnome.

15: Pogo Stick

The Pogo Stick is yet another piece of gnomish athletic equipment that really requires no explanation, as the idiocy of the contraption is self-evident. I bring it up only because technological innovations have created so-called "extreme pogo" -- a lifestyle that I think sensible people should avoid, as it is likely just gnomes having a bit of prankish fun with you (since the only thing dumber than a pogo stick is somebody practicing extreme pogo, like going off the side of a mountain or what-not).

14: Willy Wonka

And the poor little Oompa Loompas were so small and helpless, they would get gobbled up right and left. A Wangdoodle would eat ten of them for breakfast and think nothing of it. And so, I said, "Come and live with me in peace and safety, away from all the Wangdoodles, and Hornswogglers, and Snozzwangers, and rotten, Vermicious Knids."

--Willy Wonka

Willy Wonka is the gnome-as-industrialist. His candy factory is a glimpse into the world if gnomes had their way. I enjoy the movies as much as the next guy, but they are cautionary fables for anybody wary of the gnomish agenda. The Gene Wilder Wonka is more explicitly gnomish, relative to the gothed-up Johnny Depp Wonka, but the underlying mirthful menace behind gnomish ideology is apparent in both of them. People might be tempted to number the Oompa Loompas themselves as gnomes, but they're really just Wonka's hired muscle; Wonka is the prime mover at Wonka Industries.



It helps that the bad kids who suffer privations at the hands of Wonka and his cadres of Oompa Loompas are all really annoying, seeming deserving targets of gnomish pranking, which disguises the impish and slyly malevolent nature of Wonka's gnomishness.

Willy Wonka. Note the wacky tophat. It's probably edible.

GWD: Jalopy

Origin unknown? It's obvious, isn't it?

ja·lopy
Pronunciation: \jə-ˈlä-pē\

Function: noun

Inflected Form(s): plural ja·lop·ies

Etymology: origin unknown

Date: 1928

: a dilapidated old vehicle (as an automobile)

You know if a gnome must drive a vehicle, it will surely be a jalopy. It'll likely make a lot of funny/wacky noises, belch steam and smoke, have a lot of pointless knobs and levers on it, too.

13: Jew's Harp

Next to the kazoo, the Jew's Harp (also known as "Jaw Harp" these days) is surely one of the most gnomish musical instruments, and is, apparently, one of the world's oldest musical instruments, so likely a gnome pawned this off on some hapless prehistoric human with the twin gnome-purposes of: 1) being annoying and 2) making you look ridiculous.

You can't even think of it without the annoying "boing-bidda-boing" sound coming immediately to mind. I can just see a group of gnomes perched on mushrooms, playing away on their mouth harps, being all smugly whimsical, like they're in on some gnome-joke and you're sure to be the butt of their gnomefoolery.

GWD: Gobbledygook

No explanation even necessary, right? This is a marginally more useful gnomeword, and, as is the case with gnomewords, it embodies gnomish values quite nicely...

gob·ble·dy·gook
Variant(s): also gob·ble·de·gook \ˈgä-bəl-dē-ˌgu̇k, -ˌgük\

Function: noun

Etymology: irregular from gobble, noun

Date: 1944

: wordy and generally unintelligible jargon

12: Sit'n Spin

The Sit'n Spin might evoke a nostalgic fondness in some gentle readers, to a simpler time, maybe even a happier time. Small wonder that this gnomish product appeared in the late 70s, when the hippies were growing up and trying to find a place for their gnomish-infected values to plague future generations.

Enter the Sit'n Spin, a do-it-yourself merry-go-round, basically. For one. Why bother having friends? Why bother running around in circles, when you can Sit'n Spin?! Around and around and around you go, look at you go, a dervish-in-waiting, a human whirligig, looking like an idiot! Meantime, the gnomes who surely invented it are counting their money and laughing at you, pleased at their hoodwinkery.It's a credit to my snarky generation (Generation X) that "Sit'n Spin" evolved into an insult involving the middle finger, which perhaps reflected a sly rejection of gnomish values, a co-opting of gnomish neo-whimsy for our own nefarious ends.

Fortunately, the Sit'n Spin was eclipsed by the time and shorter attention spans of children, but the gnomish spirit of the Sit'n Spin lives on. I like the age limit on the product -- 18M to 5.5 years -- perhaps the high point of susceptibility to gnomish aesthetics, or perhaps simply a weight limit factor (no doubt the ever-fatter younger generations put the Sit'n Spin out of business, since they couldn't craft a sturdy enough product to bear the kiddies, who were likely sitting enough, anyway.

11: Juggling

Juggling qualifies as another gnomish "sport," where you feel like perhaps you're doing something, but really you're merely distracting yourself and others -- which is entirely gnomish in character. Confession: I learned how to juggle as a boy, was given a Klutz Book on how to juggle, and taught myself. I never took to it, never got very good at it, never saw the point in it, but I learned the basic moves of juggling, little did I know that I was being exposed to gnomish agitprop. In fact, even the word "juggle" has a bit of a gnomish flavor to it.

The pointlessness of juggling, except to demonstrate what, precisely -- nimble fingers? Is exactly what makes it so gnomish. "Lighten up! Be whimsical with us!" the jugglers-in-public seem to say. "Look at me! I'm wacky!"

I can't fault clowns and street performers for using the gnomish art of juggling for their own devious ends -- no doubt clowns use juggling to appear less evil and perhaps to lure in innocent victims. But everyday folk, civilians, if you will, who engage in public juggling are infected by gnomish ideology.

When I bike along the lakeshore in the summer, I often see this juggling group of leathery men who occupy the same spot on the shore every damned day, juggling. Tennis balls, bowling pins, passing them between each other. Every day. Such clockwork whimsy!

GWD: Razzle-Dazzle

This word sounds like an incantation a gnome would use to bedazzle you, pick your pocket, get you to play hacky sack or something...

raz·zle–daz·zle
Pronunciation: \ˌra-zəl-ˈda-zəl\

Function: noun

Etymology: reduplication of dazzle

Date: 1889

1 : a state of confusion or hilarity
2 : a complex maneuver (as in sports) designed to confuse an opponent
3 : a confusing or colorful often gaudy action or display

— razzle–dazzle adjective

The repetition of the sound of the words, coupled by the hyphen (always a good tipoff of gnomish work wankery) are the tells, here. What's "razzle" without the "dazzle?" In fact, it's nothing. There simply IS no "razzle." Maybe the "razzle" is the gnomish hitchhiker to the otherwise innocent "dazzle" -- maybe "razzle" is a gnomish syntactical retrovirus. "Razzle" certainly seems like it could be a gnomish name ("Razzle Q. Ambercrombie, at your service!")

Again, the Victorians are to blame for this word. Clearly, the Victorian penchant for whimsy revivalism (perhaps a byproduct of their repressive nature in other areas) opened the door wide for gnomish incursions.

GWD: Floccinaucinihilipilification

Not like any human being would honestly, actually use this word, but that's exactly the point: it's a gnomish word, embodying gnomish values, and only a gnome or gnome apologist would even use this word.

floc·cin·au·ci·nih·il·i·pil·if·i·ca·tion
(noun) : the estimation of a thing as worthless
(verb) : the act of rendering something as worthless or inconsequential

I want to buy a new car, but I am not looking forward to the floccinaucinihilipilification of my truck when I try to trade it in.

*shaking head*

Anybody even using this word in conversation rates a cockpunch.

10: Curling

Just in time for the Olympics, right? Curling. Another gnomish sport. And, yes, originally invented in Scotland, so we can blame the Scots for it, but who's to say some gnomes in Scotland didn't inspire the locals to give it a go? It certainly has the cardinal qualities of a gnomish sport: strange, wacky, pointless, ridiculous.

GWD: Heebie-Jeebies

This is a rare case of a gnomish word that I actually use from time to time.

hee·bie–jee·bies
Pronunciation: \ˌhē-bē-ˈjē-bēz\

Function: noun plural

Etymology: coined by Billy DeBeck †1942 American cartoonist

Date: 1923