16: Unicycle

Since the Vancouver Olympics has me thinking of sportish things for the moment, don't be surprised if I throw out a few more gnomish sporty items. Like the unicycle. Once again, like the most terribly gnomish of devices and contraptions, the mere invocation of it prompts a "Yes, of course" kind of reaction in the gentle reader.

"Ooh, look at me! I may be unbalanced, but no one can doubt my sense of balance! Hoo hoo! Ha ha! Hee hee! Look at me go! I'm on a unicycle! Tra la la lee!"

While the unicycle is surely the Cadillac of gnomish wheeled contraptions, any affectedly eccentric set of wheels runs the risk of being gnomish. Even if a pint-sized gnome couldn't even reach the peddles of such a bike, they'd sure want to, and would have a great, braying brass horn on their bike, too, just to be more annoying.

Note that wearing a wacky hat and juggling while riding a unicycle while playing a kazoo is surely gnomish heaven right there, and any individual doing this is a gnome.

5: Tom Bombadil

"Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!/ Ring a dong! hop along! fal lal the willow! Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo!"

-- Tom Bombadil

Tom Bombadil. Tom Motherfucking Bombadil. I don't want Tolkien scholar dickbags quibbling about this, because it's just not even a matter of debate. "Spirit of the English countryside," my ass. Bombadil's a gnome. Easily the most annoying character in "The Lord of the Rings" by a country mile, Bombadil -- that carefree, verse-spouting, nimble-witted jackanape -- he might as well be the patron saint of gnomedom, embodying everything gnomish in everything he does. Behind every gnomish thing, there lies Bombadil.

I hate even writing about Bombadil, frankly. But as we delve into the depths of gnomedom, it's simply required for me to mention him. And if you are somebody who actually likes Bombadil, then you, my friend, are a damned gnome.

To those of you who may not know Bombadil, or what he signifies, just be warned: if a person you are interested in likes Bombadil, be afraid. Be very afraid. The militancy of their support for Bombadil is directly proportional to their douchiness. Trust me on this. If, on the other hand, you want to cockpunch Bombadil upon reading about him, then there's hope for you, yet.

Is he happy? Is he insane? Is he insanely happy? Is he happily insane? No one knows! Even Tom Bombadil doesn't know! Oooh, look how madcap he is, high on life....


There's a Zen saying, something about if you meet the Buddha, kill him. If you meet Tom Bombadil, kill him. Seriously. Just pop him.

3: "Funny" (Ugly) Hats

Few things are more gnomish than ugly hats. You know them when you see them. They can't simply be ugly; they have to be willfully, self-consciously "wacky" and "funny" and "weird" to really be gnomish hats. The stereotypical "gnomish cone" hat isn't enough these days. The real gnome-about-town swings for the rafters in their headwear.

The ultimate gnomish hat is the "Cat In the Hat" hat. Any person actually sporting one of these at a public event is a fucking gnome. Anybody even owning one of these is a gnome, and you should be immediately on guard about this person you only thought you knew.

Not to malign the anarchic spirit of the Cat in the Hat himself -- the coy menace he represents in that Seuss book is bold enough on its own, and has never been properly rendered outside of Seuss's writing. But the drive to wear such a hat is emblematic of gnomish impulses.

The runner-up to this hat is the beer helmet, which weds the gnomish tendency toward pointless whimsy with irritating contraptions (to be dealt with later).

Anybody wearing a beer helmet is a damned gnome. No two ways about it. And one might say "What's wrong with that?" The answer is, simply: EVERYTHING. It is a beer helmet. Human beings should not wear beer helmets.

Snowboarders are particularly susceptible to gnomish headgear, for reasons as yet unexplored. Maybe it's part of the devil-may-care culture endemic to snowboarding? I don't know.

In the case of this picture below, the girl is most definitely the gnome, here -- can't you see her smug smile, there? "Look what I did?!" She even looks like a gnome (the eyes are a dead giveaway, although I blocked them out, here). No doubt she crafted those wacky, wacky hats in a fit of contrived wackiness that plagues gnomes everywhere...

1: Balloon Animals

Balloon animals are inherently gnomish. Look! It's an animal made out of balloons! Never saw THAT coming, didja?