30: Dr. Seuss

"And will you succeed? Yes indeed, yes indeed! Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed." -- Dr. Seuss

That's right. Beloved children's book writer Dr. Seuss was a gnome -- or at least an assiduous propagandist of gnomish living. I was going to post it yesterday, but it was his birthday, so I cut him some slack.

You're probably amazed it took me this long to even add him, but I waited until I couldn't wait any longer. Seuss is a gnome. His books, his rhymes, his characters, his world -- gnomish, gnomish, gnomish, gnomish -- the reason Seuss has managed his elder statesmanlike stature is because his work is safely confined to the realm of children's literature, where it's permissible (and, perhaps, even encouraged) to give the gnomes free rein. Gnomish sentiments are perhaps tolerable when inflicted upon children; it's when they move outside of the realm of childhood that gnomish antics become intolerable.

A child enjoying "The Cat in the Hat" is one thing. An adult enjoying it is something altogether different. You can probably drive adult friends and coworkers batty just by speaking in Seussian rhymes (note around :48, Jessica saying "No more sporks, and spooknives, and knifeoons -- it's like a Dr. Seuss kitchen down there!" That's taken to be a BAD thing. Yeah, I'm eventually getting to sporks, Gentle Reader).

Any adult who's read them to a child, had to soldier through those trisyllabic-metered rhymes that go on and on and on can see the wicked nature of Seussian gnomishness in action.

26: Benny Hill

Benny Hill was a damned gnome. He even looked like one. Just pop a beard on him and a pointy hat, and there you have it. I'm not going to do an in-depth analysis of the wit and wisdom of Benny Hill. He was a gnome. I mean, the theme music ("Yakety Sax" -- a gnome-name for a gnome theme if ever there was one) alone for his damned show might as well be the National Anthem of the Gnome Nation...



I seriously can't hear that theme song without wanting to smash something. And imagining a bunch of gnomes cavorting to it makes me want to smash even more things.

17: Lewis Carroll

"Twinkle, twinkle little bat How I wonder what you're at! Up above the world you fly, Like a tea-tray in the sky."

-- Lewis Carroll

Of course Lewis Carroll, the Vidkun Quisling of the gnomish agenda, out to betray humanity to the gnomes with his nonsense poetry and creepy, insane tales of Alice, must be numbered among gnomes and/or gnomish sycophants. Like nails traveling down the chalkboard of reason, he was, at least to me.

There's certainly a Cult of Carroll that embraces his mad whimsy as somehow expressive and freeing and fun, but I find his work irritating and creepy and unsettling.

Oh, and the missing diary entries for young Lewis, whatever could they be? His descendants with dustpans, cleaning up his messes, yes? Can't leave those scraps behind for the Snark to gobble up, now can we?

Carroll was a whimsical creep and a certifiable loon, which makes him certainly an A-lister among the gnomish saints. More Victorian baggage, perhaps part of the dark underbelly of Victorian social mores. Fortunately, that kind of nutballery has less currency than it once did.

Guaranteed that a fan of Carroll is a gnome, or a fellow traveler of gnomedom, or, at the very least, a pretentious eccentric.

14: Willy Wonka

And the poor little Oompa Loompas were so small and helpless, they would get gobbled up right and left. A Wangdoodle would eat ten of them for breakfast and think nothing of it. And so, I said, "Come and live with me in peace and safety, away from all the Wangdoodles, and Hornswogglers, and Snozzwangers, and rotten, Vermicious Knids."

--Willy Wonka

Willy Wonka is the gnome-as-industrialist. His candy factory is a glimpse into the world if gnomes had their way. I enjoy the movies as much as the next guy, but they are cautionary fables for anybody wary of the gnomish agenda. The Gene Wilder Wonka is more explicitly gnomish, relative to the gothed-up Johnny Depp Wonka, but the underlying mirthful menace behind gnomish ideology is apparent in both of them. People might be tempted to number the Oompa Loompas themselves as gnomes, but they're really just Wonka's hired muscle; Wonka is the prime mover at Wonka Industries.



It helps that the bad kids who suffer privations at the hands of Wonka and his cadres of Oompa Loompas are all really annoying, seeming deserving targets of gnomish pranking, which disguises the impish and slyly malevolent nature of Wonka's gnomishness.

Willy Wonka. Note the wacky tophat. It's probably edible.

7: Robin Williams

I don't even need to say anything. Robin Williams is a gnome. And he actually looks like one, too. Put a beard and a hat on him, perch him on a mushroom, voila. Gnome.

6: Rumpelstiltskin

Although typically characterized as a "dwarf" or "dwarf-like creature" -- the name, and the annoyingness -- are dead giveaways. Rumpelstiltskin is a goddamned gnome. It is interesting to note the names of characters in similar tales, which point to the gnomish nature of the title character (emphasis added):

The same story pattern appears in numerous other cultures: Tom Tit Tot in England (from English Fairy Tales by Joseph Jacobs), Päronskaft (meaning "pear stalk") in Sweden[citation needed], Joaidane جعيدان in Arabic (he who talks too much), Martinko Klingáč in Slovakia, Ruidoquedito (meaning "little noise") in Spain and Ootz'Lee Gootz'Lee in Hebrew.

"Little Noise?" "He Who Talks Too Much?" Clearly, these other legends incorporate some of the annoyance one feels when crossing paths with gnomes.

5: Tom Bombadil

"Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!/ Ring a dong! hop along! fal lal the willow! Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo!"

-- Tom Bombadil

Tom Bombadil. Tom Motherfucking Bombadil. I don't want Tolkien scholar dickbags quibbling about this, because it's just not even a matter of debate. "Spirit of the English countryside," my ass. Bombadil's a gnome. Easily the most annoying character in "The Lord of the Rings" by a country mile, Bombadil -- that carefree, verse-spouting, nimble-witted jackanape -- he might as well be the patron saint of gnomedom, embodying everything gnomish in everything he does. Behind every gnomish thing, there lies Bombadil.

I hate even writing about Bombadil, frankly. But as we delve into the depths of gnomedom, it's simply required for me to mention him. And if you are somebody who actually likes Bombadil, then you, my friend, are a damned gnome.

To those of you who may not know Bombadil, or what he signifies, just be warned: if a person you are interested in likes Bombadil, be afraid. Be very afraid. The militancy of their support for Bombadil is directly proportional to their douchiness. Trust me on this. If, on the other hand, you want to cockpunch Bombadil upon reading about him, then there's hope for you, yet.

Is he happy? Is he insane? Is he insanely happy? Is he happily insane? No one knows! Even Tom Bombadil doesn't know! Oooh, look how madcap he is, high on life....


There's a Zen saying, something about if you meet the Buddha, kill him. If you meet Tom Bombadil, kill him. Seriously. Just pop him.