9: Prop Comedy

I can't be sure whether a gnome invented prop comedy, but prop comedy is definitely gnomish, and is possibly another case of gnomish subversion in otherwise mundane human matters. Zany! Wacky! Giant-sized underpants! A big hammer! A tiny toilet! Woo hoo hoo!

While I'm sure prop comedy has its roots in vaudeville, and, thus, has some kind of comic lineage that is, perhaps, worthy of respect among its greatest practitioners, we're so far removed from vaudeville these days, it's hard to know what to think about it, anymore. Giant telephone! Ho ho hee! Lamp that looks like a leg! Har har hah!

I guarantee that gnomes, or the dupes of gnomes, are fans of prop comedy, and perpetrators. Notice Tommy Cooper's fez (e.g., wacky hat)...

8: Hacky Sack

There are a number of gnomish "sports" I could start with, but perhaps it's fitting that I begin with hacky sack.

It is conventionally associated with hippies, neo-hippies, and other folks similarly disposed (and, let's be honest, there is most definitely a strong gnomish streak in most hippie activities), but if a gnome were to invent a sport, hacky sack would most definitely be it. The combination of pointlessness with, what, exactly? Annoyance? Makes hacky sack an intoxicatingly gnomish sport for those inclined to embrace the gnomic lifestyle (fully aware that "gnomic" doesn't pertain to gnomes, but I'm commandeering the word for my own purposes, henceforth.). Hacky sack is the kissing cousin of juggling, which I haven't gotten to, yet, but will at some unspecified point in the future. The time and attention and useless dexterity required to master hacky sack makes it a picture-perfect gnomic sport.

Hacky sackers seem to have taken to calling it "footbag" to evade the gnomishness of the original name for what they do, as if to say "Look! We're serious athletes, here! Don't diss our sacks!" But please, please. It's hacky sack. You're participating in a gnomish sport, and should rightfully feel the shame of doing so.

Here is a video a fan of the "sport" short of some babe doing it, with The Pixies' music profaned by providing a soundtrack for it (although "Where Is My Mind?" is, perhaps, very apt, here). And sure, the young lady is fit, but I can't help but wonder if she'll pause at some point in her future and wonder "My God, what have I done with my life? I mastered hacky sack." (then she hacky sacks with a hand grenade and ends it). They shoot with a fair amount of slow-motion, here, to add gravitas, much like they do on the show, "Lost."



A possible theory for the existence of hacky sack is that is was really a gnomish prank perpetuated on humanity -- like some wily gnome gulled some poor hippies into doing it, and it spread, with the intention of making people look like idiots. Which is entirely in keeping with gnomish thinking.

7: Robin Williams

I don't even need to say anything. Robin Williams is a gnome. And he actually looks like one, too. Put a beard and a hat on him, perch him on a mushroom, voila. Gnome.

GWD: Doodad and Doohickey

A doodad (and its cousin, the doohickey) are so fucking gnomish that you're likely to sprout a pointy hat just saying them.

doo·dad

Pronunciation: \ˈdü-ˌdad\

Function: noun

Etymology: origin unknown

Date: 1888

1 : an ornamental attachment or decoration
2 : an often small article whose common name is unknown or forgotten: gadget

doo·hick·ey

Pronunciation: \ˈdü-ˌhi-kē\

Function: noun

Inflected Form(s): plural doo·hickeys also doo·hickies

Etymology: probably from doodad + hickey

Date: 1914

Again, we see the evolution of the language, with Victorians to blame for the "doodad" and then some whimsical gnomish linguistic dead-ender coming up with "doohickey" in a vain attempt to keep the word alive to vex and confound the 20th Century (which, all things being said, wasn't necessarily the most whimsical era in human history).

You can already see a pattern with the gnomish words -- an emphasis on gadgetry and a kind of addle-brained forgetfulness, like pointing at some arcane object and stammering out with increasing exasperation: "Fetch me that whatchamacallit! You know, the doodad! The thingamajig! The doohickey!"

Also, notice the ineffably ornamental quality of "doodad" -- it's a tip of the pointy hat to pointlessness, which is, and always will be at the heart of the gnomish soul.

6: Rumpelstiltskin

Although typically characterized as a "dwarf" or "dwarf-like creature" -- the name, and the annoyingness -- are dead giveaways. Rumpelstiltskin is a goddamned gnome. It is interesting to note the names of characters in similar tales, which point to the gnomish nature of the title character (emphasis added):

The same story pattern appears in numerous other cultures: Tom Tit Tot in England (from English Fairy Tales by Joseph Jacobs), Päronskaft (meaning "pear stalk") in Sweden[citation needed], Joaidane جعيدان in Arabic (he who talks too much), Martinko Klingáč in Slovakia, Ruidoquedito (meaning "little noise") in Spain and Ootz'Lee Gootz'Lee in Hebrew.

"Little Noise?" "He Who Talks Too Much?" Clearly, these other legends incorporate some of the annoyance one feels when crossing paths with gnomes.

Gnomenclature

On a whim, I googled "Gnome Name Generator" and saw something like 19,800 hits. Here were the first two hits:

Gnome Name Generator 1

Gnome Name Generator 2

Sigh. Generator 2 at least offers some commentary on the topic of gnomes, and even allows for culturally-relevant gnome names. I didn't even know that one could have a gnome with a Greek name. Does Greek mythology allow for gnomes?

But these name generators seem entirely too serious to be suitable gnome-namers. Because to me, you don't even really need a name generator to convincingly name a gnome. Rather, the gnome's name should be needless and annoying. I'll create some out of the blue to demonstrate gnomishness...

• Sneedly Snodgrass
• Wally J. Fogbottom III
• Dexter Aleguzzle
  
• Downy Pillowflinger
• Dolly Brambledancer
  

You get the idea. Make it goofy and annoyingly offbeat, and you've got yourself a suitably gnomish name. You can probably already imagine the gnomes those names belong to. Annoying, right? Chewing on straw. Big fucking hats. Perched somewhere, where on a mushroom or a tree stump, being gnomes, looking at you all smugly, a sly twinkle in their eyes.

A good rule of thumb with a gnomish name is if it can be offered up with "...at your service" after it, perhaps with a happy-go-lucky little bow, you've got yourself a goddamned gnome-name.

"Wally J. Fogbottom III, at your service!" (little bow)

5: Tom Bombadil

"Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!/ Ring a dong! hop along! fal lal the willow! Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo!"

-- Tom Bombadil

Tom Bombadil. Tom Motherfucking Bombadil. I don't want Tolkien scholar dickbags quibbling about this, because it's just not even a matter of debate. "Spirit of the English countryside," my ass. Bombadil's a gnome. Easily the most annoying character in "The Lord of the Rings" by a country mile, Bombadil -- that carefree, verse-spouting, nimble-witted jackanape -- he might as well be the patron saint of gnomedom, embodying everything gnomish in everything he does. Behind every gnomish thing, there lies Bombadil.

I hate even writing about Bombadil, frankly. But as we delve into the depths of gnomedom, it's simply required for me to mention him. And if you are somebody who actually likes Bombadil, then you, my friend, are a damned gnome.

To those of you who may not know Bombadil, or what he signifies, just be warned: if a person you are interested in likes Bombadil, be afraid. Be very afraid. The militancy of their support for Bombadil is directly proportional to their douchiness. Trust me on this. If, on the other hand, you want to cockpunch Bombadil upon reading about him, then there's hope for you, yet.

Is he happy? Is he insane? Is he insanely happy? Is he happily insane? No one knows! Even Tom Bombadil doesn't know! Oooh, look how madcap he is, high on life....


There's a Zen saying, something about if you meet the Buddha, kill him. If you meet Tom Bombadil, kill him. Seriously. Just pop him.

Pink Floyd: The Gnome

And let's just get this out of the way, yes? One of the late Syd Barrett's last Pink Floyd contributions, "The Gnome," before he became an acid casualty...



I remember hearing that tune on "Piper..." as a teen and thinking "WTF??" Isn't it gooooooooooood? No, Syd. No, it's not. Here's the lyrics, in case you want to sing along. I think Grimble Grumble (points to Barrett for offering up a VERY gnomish name, there) must've been partaking of fistfuls of magic mushrooms...

"The Gnome"

I want to tell you a story
About a little man
If I can.
A gnome named Grimble Grumble.
And little gnomes stay in their homes.
Eating, sleeping, drinking their wine.
He wore a scarlet tunic,
A blue green hood,
It looked quite good.
He had a big adventure
Amidst the grass
Fresh air at last.
Wining, dining, biding his time.
And then one day - hooray!
Another way for gnomes to say
Hoooooooooray.
Look at the sky, look at the river
Isn't it good?
Look at the sky, look at the river
Isn't it good?
Winding, finding places to go.
And then one day - hooray!
Another way for gnomes to say
Hoooooooooray.
Hooooooooooooooray.

4: Kazoos

One of the most well-known of gnomish musical instruments is the kazoo. Few instruments better embody the spirit of gnomish pointless whimsy quite like a good old-fashioned kazoo.

In fact, even the word "kazoo" is fucking gnomish (for the wordsmiths out there, the word originated in 1884, so we have the Victorians to blame for the goddamned kazoo).

Aren't they fun? Aren't they wacky? Kazoos for everybody! I think waterboarding is not necessary to break a terrorist -- you want them to break? Play kazoos at them for a few hours. THAT will break them.

And if you really, really want to annoy them, why not "talk" with a kazoo in your mouth? Can you imagine interrogating somebody doing "Kazoo Speak?" It'll confuse and infuriate them in short order, and they will break. No need for leg-breaking or forced posture positions or any of that so-called "Torture Lite." Just ship a box of kazoos to the interrogators and let them use them on the detainees (are we allowed to call them "prisoners" anymore?) and watch them break before the musical mimsy-whimsy that is the kazoo.

This clip more than amply demonstrates the torture potential of kazoos...



Oh, how wacky! Seriously, it makes the hair on my arms stand up.

GWD: Thingamajig

It hardly even needs to be said, as it's a synonym of "Whatchamacallit" but then again, saying things that needn't be said is so fucking gnomish, that I'm going to say it, anyway...

thing·am·a·jig

Variant(s): or thing·um·a·jig \ˈthiŋ-ə-mə-ˌjig\

Function: noun

Etymology: alteration of earlier thingum, from thing

Date: 1828

: something that is hard to classify or whose name is unknown or forgotten

And I'll add that what this word means is quintessentially gnomish -- a word to classify something that is hard to classify.

I'll throw in thingamabob in as well, as a synonym of "thingamajig."

thing·am·a·bob

Pronunciation: \ˈthiŋ-ə-mə-ˌbäb\

Function: noun

Date: 1750

You can see the nature of gnomish language already. When we're through, here, you'll have a keen sense of gnomish syntax. Interesting that "thingamabob" predates "thingamajig" -- clearly, gnomish language evolved a bit in that span of time, but pointless innovation is key to gnomish life.

3: "Funny" (Ugly) Hats

Few things are more gnomish than ugly hats. You know them when you see them. They can't simply be ugly; they have to be willfully, self-consciously "wacky" and "funny" and "weird" to really be gnomish hats. The stereotypical "gnomish cone" hat isn't enough these days. The real gnome-about-town swings for the rafters in their headwear.

The ultimate gnomish hat is the "Cat In the Hat" hat. Any person actually sporting one of these at a public event is a fucking gnome. Anybody even owning one of these is a gnome, and you should be immediately on guard about this person you only thought you knew.

Not to malign the anarchic spirit of the Cat in the Hat himself -- the coy menace he represents in that Seuss book is bold enough on its own, and has never been properly rendered outside of Seuss's writing. But the drive to wear such a hat is emblematic of gnomish impulses.

The runner-up to this hat is the beer helmet, which weds the gnomish tendency toward pointless whimsy with irritating contraptions (to be dealt with later).

Anybody wearing a beer helmet is a damned gnome. No two ways about it. And one might say "What's wrong with that?" The answer is, simply: EVERYTHING. It is a beer helmet. Human beings should not wear beer helmets.

Snowboarders are particularly susceptible to gnomish headgear, for reasons as yet unexplored. Maybe it's part of the devil-may-care culture endemic to snowboarding? I don't know.

In the case of this picture below, the girl is most definitely the gnome, here -- can't you see her smug smile, there? "Look what I did?!" She even looks like a gnome (the eyes are a dead giveaway, although I blocked them out, here). No doubt she crafted those wacky, wacky hats in a fit of contrived wackiness that plagues gnomes everywhere...

Gnomish Word of the Day: Whatchamacallit

Gnomish words can be recognized by their generally foolhardy nature and pointlessness. I'll try to post a "Gnomish Word of the Day" (GWD henceforth) so you can get a proper sense of gnomish vocabulary, starting with an obvious one...

what·cha·ma·call·it
Pronunciation: \ˈhwä-chə-mə-ˌkȯ-lət, ˈwä-, ˈ(h)wə-\
Function: noun
Etymology: alteration of what you may call it
Date: 1928

Now, quibblers might say how can a word be "gnomish" -- but a word like "whatchamacallit" is entirely in keeping with those of a gnomish temperament, out to foist their gnomish cultural mores upon you in insidious and pointlessly whimsical ways.

2: They Might Be Giants

They Might Be Giants (TMBG) is the Led Zeppelin of gnomish bands. They Might Be Giants? They Definitely Are Gnomes!



They are not the only gnomish band out there, but they are certainly the most quintessentially gnomish of bands. The only thing more gnomish than TMBG is the one-man band, the lackwit walking about with cymbals strapped to his knees, a harmonica at his mouth, a bass drum on his chest or his back....

Now, I know TMBG has earned some plaudits for their whole children's music venture. Sure, sure, why not? But TMBG will always be a gnomish outfit, pimping out their wannabe whimsical gnomish affectedly quirky tunes for their flock.